I realize this topic is one normally discussed in the confines of ones bedroom, or perhaps during a vacation or over a romantic dinner. Sadly, this is just one more thing on the list of thousands of other things that has been dramatically affected by the loss of the twins. So this is what it has come to. I can’t seem to make a decision I feel 100% confident about, so it’s best to write about it and see where we end up.
When it came time for Baby #1, we were both scared. We knew we wanted to have a child, but frankly, you’re going in blind with no idea what to expect. What we didn’t expect was to succeed the first try…but we did and alas, I was pregnant. My first pregnancy was uneventful for the most part. I was sick for 19 weeks, but worked the whole time. I lost quite a bit of weight, but my doctor was never concerned. I went to all the appointments with no red flags and passed all my tests with flying colors. About 32 weeks I ended up in physical therapy for an SI issue, but other than that there were no problems. Even delivered at 38 weeks with little issue and ended up with a healthy, beautiful baby.
How naive I was. But this was my only experience thus far…
When it came time for Baby #2, again, there was some fear. But there was also a lot more excitement that comes from knowing what to expect. The decision was made out of love and a desire to grow our family. We were happy and excited about our decision. We were really thrilled about growing our family and giving A a sibling. We were quickly successful again and you can read about that chain of events in other posts.
Today we find ourselves only a few days from being medically able to “try again.” I hate that term by the way…you can’t “try again” for babies that died but whatever. For the ease of writing we’ll use that term. So, do we try again right away? Do we wait the standard 6 months to a year that the books say you should wait after enduring a tragedy? How do I REALLY feel about the whole thing?
It pisses me off that I can’t decide. We were so desperate for more children right after the twins were born. It was a major topic of conversation for weeks. There was a huge void in our lives and we were going to fill it with tons of kiddos. In those emotionally raw and tender moments I knew I wanted more children. Lots of them. Why don’t I feel that way now? I want to desperately want to have another baby. But I don’t. I feel nervous. And scared. And I feel like time is getting away from me. I feel like once I’m pregnant again all my fears about loving another baby as much as A and my twins will all melt away. But what if they don’t? I don’t think I want A to be an only child, but some days I feel like I’m barely going to make it…should I really add another baby to the mix?
And I cannot even really consider the fear that will come with another pregnancy. As I write this, almost 2 months after the loss of the girls, we are still waiting for results to give us some clue as to what went wrong. I will most likely be fearful during the entire pregnancy. There won’t come a point that I can relax…not until I’m holding a healthy baby in my arms. And is it fair to ask my husband to endure 9 months of emotional instability? Is it fair to ask my daughter to again give up her mother to another round of morning sickness and put up with the emotional roller coaster I will no doubt ride?
All this back and forth wondering, questioning, desperately wanting someone to tell me what to do is heartbreaking to say the least. I want the innocence back. You know, where you get pregnant and have a baby at the end? I want to make the decision purely out of love and desire, but I just don’t think that’s possible this time around. We know all too well what can happen, what can go wrong. We now live a life that is colored by the sadness, grief and sorrow of losing our children and it’s really, really, really difficult to take those first major steps forward. The little steps forward are hard. These big steps seem downright impossible.
The only thing I have left to say is this: all I know how to do is play it by ear. There is no instruction manual on living after something like this. You just do it. So we’ll continue to talk about it and hopefully come to a decision sooner rather than later.
The only thing I do know is that I want to want another baby.
And I want to want that baby now.