Lately, I’ve caught myself thinking maybe I’m making too big a deal about losing the twins. I feel like maybe I’m holding onto the experience when I need to start letting go. I get especially frustrated on days when my emotions take over and I can’t control my thoughts. It just feels like the whole ordeal takes up so much space in my brain.
Then I remember two children died. And those children were my daughters. They were my identical twin daughters. And they were 2 of my husbands girls. And they were my daughters sisters. And they weren’t removed from my body during a 45 minute medical procedure, but delivered from my body after laboring with them for hours. I saw them, held them, rocked them, touched them, talked to them and kissed them. I knew their faces, I knew their bodies. I am their mother and they are my children. And we’ve been separated by circumstances out of our control.
It is a big deal. A very big deal. And it will always hold a very big place in my heart and in my mind.