A New Day, A New Season

Last Thursday (July 7th) I took these photos.  It was early, like, 6:30am early:

WM New Day 1

WM New Day 2

WM New Day 3

I thought the sky looked particularly beautiful that morning. I’m not usually up that early so it could be I had never taken the opportunity to notice. Or maybe it was because this happened about 2 hours before I saw that sky:

WM PG#3 CD 28 FMU

And for the skeptics, this from a few days later:

WM PG#3 CD32 FMU

As I looked at the sky that morning, I couldn’t help but feel a wave of freshness wash over me. It was almost like a cool breeze, one that brings with it the promise and the smell of a new, changing season. It only lasted a moment before the crazies set in, but for a moment it felt like I had the smallest inkling of a chance to change the last chapter of my child-bearing years. It was a peaceful moment for me. And to this day I can still see and feel how beautiful that sky was. I’m glad I thought to photograph it.

I had my first doctor’s appointment this morning. It was only a confirmation appointment where they confirmed that I am, indeed, about a day pregnant. I kindly asked the nurse to go ahead and flag my file as CRAZY. I have another 3 (agonizing) weeks before I’m scheduled for my first ultrasound and I’m already partially convinced there will be no heartbeat and my next stop is the OR for a D&C. The other part of me is hopeful that next spring will bring cooler temps, beautiful flowers and a tiny new baby into our lives. I’m cautious. I’m guarded. I’m bouncing somewhere between elation, normal and psychotic with my thoughts. In my head I was going to be absolutely ecstatic when I got pregnant again. It was actually a very strange feeling; I’m still not able to describe it. Fear plays a big part. And risk, there’s a lot of risk-taking going on here. Not so much medically, but with my (our) emotions and with my heart. We haven’t told our families yet. I kind of want to wait until after the first sono. My other hesitation is that I’m not sure if we should make a big deal out of if it or not. Our families were just as devastated as we were about losing the twins, so I’m not sure what their reaction will be. Perhaps they will feed off of our emotions and feelings? I’m more attached to this baby than I was with my first 2 pregnancies. I feel more protective; and I feel more love.  I just feel more…attached…than I did at this point in my other pregnancies.  I really hope I don’t end up with my heart broken again.   I can feel the joy and the thrill bubbling underneath the surface of fear. It’s sitting right underneath the lump in my throat. I want to give in to it, but I just can’t. Not yet anyways.

Advertisements

One thought on “A New Day, A New Season

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s