I was raised in a Christian household. Baptist, to be exact. Church was mandatory every Sunday morning, night and Wednesday night. As a teenager I was part of the praise and worship team along with my dad. My friends in high school and middle school were from church more so than school. While not entirely problem free, my life could be viewed as extremely blessed. My parents were never abusive, they are still married, and gave my sister and I every opportunity they were able to. They paid for my education, bought me a car and didn’t flinch when I wanted to marry my high school sweetheart at 21. My now husband also comes from an amazing family. Parents that are still together and still believe that you teach a man to fish; you don’t simply feed him when he’s hungry. This has resulted in a man and husband that knows to take care of his family and believes it is one of his greatest responsibilities to do so. Together, the Hubs and I have led a fairly charmed life from childhood until now. We had tons of fun the first several years of marriage, we’ve travelled quite a bit and were blessed with a healthy pregnancy and sweet little girl in February of 2009. She’s been healthy ever since and I appreciate that more now than ever.
I’d been blessed. I had a loving family that was here and healthy. I had a husband that loved me and wanted to take care of me, and BE with me. I had a beautiful and healthy child…that drove me crazy. I had opportunities and we’ve even been given a nice income that let’s us live comfortably. I really didn’t have much to say to God except “thank you” which I did on a regular basis. I recognized all good things came from Him and I wanted to let Him know how thankful I was. You can imagine my surprise when He took the twins away from me.
I still wrestle with the why. My image of a loving, merciful God has been shattered. I’ve found myself recently wondering if my relationship is even repairable. I just can’t shake the feeling that He’s sitting in Heaven, not really thinking about or caring about me at all. Just waiting for the next opportunity to take something precious from me…to teach me a lesson, to ensure I know He’s still in charge. These are heavy, heavy accusations and dangerous thoughts. I know I don’t want to feel this way. I want to return to the thoughts of a loving Father that only wants the best for His children. I want to KNOW, without a doubt, that His plans are to prosper me and not to harm me. That there IS hope and a future for me. I realize the Bible tells us this exactly, but I am, understandably, having a difficult time believing it. There is a lot of pain, a lot of anger towards God. I believe he’s 100% responsible for taking the girls. As the Hubs pointed out during one of the darker moments shortly after they were born, I’m not the giver of life, only God can give life. So if I’m going to blame anyone…it’s going to be Him. He can handle it and frankly, if asked, He’d probably quickly agree that yes, He took them. You see, our ways are not His ways and our timing is not His timing. I believe they had a purpose…a very big and substantial purpose, that I haven’t been given eyes to see. He want them created into eternity…they are part of His master plan.
I say all of this to get to this next part. Sometimes one can’t see the forest for the trees. I don’t often discuss my relationship with God with others, or Hubs. But I did the other day and he was able to say things to me that could have only come from a Heavenly Father trying to ease the pain of his daughter. Hubs reminded me that despite the heartbreaking loss, we still had our family. We still had each other and our relationship deepened to a place we could never have managed without this tragedy. We still have A, and she is thriving. Absolutely, positively thriving. Heck, we still have all 3 of our dogs that we love, adore, and consider burying in the yard daily. Ahem. He also reminded me that there was something big to come out of the loss of the twins. Their death was/is the catalyst for a major change in out lives. It has changed the course of our lives. I’m not sure how, and I’m not sure how it will all play out, but I feel it as strongly as I’ve ever felt anything in my life. We will do something big because of all of this. Then, last night, my husband prayed for me. And for a few moments it felt like everything was going to be ok. I felt so protected, so loved. And I was reminded that a merciless God would not have given me a husband that loved me enough to pray for me. For those few moments I could feel God’s love for me through my husband. And that is EXACTLY how it’s supposed to work. Hubs knew I was hurting, I was anxious and I was worried. He addressed all those things in his prayer for me…prayed specifically that this tiny life forming inside of me would grow strong, would grow healthy. Prayed that I would be able to carry to term and that we would bring home a healthy baby. It was a precious and special moment for me. I know my husband prays for me regularly, but not usually when we’re laying in bed at night. I knew it was from the Father, his way of showing me He’s still there and he still loves me, desperately. That His heart breaks with mine and that He doesn’t want me to be sad forever. Ladies, if your husband prays for you, you are blessed.