I’m not entirely sure what happened last night, but it was definitely a strong emotional response to the idea of having 2 children. It almost felt like what people describe as panic attacks, or maybe it was normal anxiety about a new baby. Either way, I fear there is more to come.
The Hubs asked me this morning if I ever felt that way when I was pg with the twins. The truth is, I don’t remember. Probably not. I was far more worried about the twins and how to manage 2 infants at once. I never really had the opportunity to move out of that fear into the concerns about what it would do to my relationship with A. I felt incredibly guilty (about being a mother to A) the whole time I was pg with the twins. I was so, so sick. I spent the majority of those 19 weeks in bed with A next to me watching a ridiculous amount of tv. I just couldn’t function.
A was with my parents this weekend while we did some stuff around the house. It’s amazing how much a 2 year old can slow you down. She had a blast and we got soooooooo much done. But the truth is, I missed her terribly. Maybe it’s because I’m hormonal, or maybe it’s because I finally feel like the confident mother I’ve longed to be. Either way I was thrilled to have her home. It’s too quiet without her here. Too quickly I find myself depressed because I seem to be without purpose. But as I lay in bed last night I started to feel like I couldn’t breathe. I started having the most irrational thoughts about adding another baby. I wondered and became fearful that my relationship with A would be damaged. That I would revert back to the unconfident mother that couldn’t manage simple tasks like grocery shopping or vacuuming. That I would no longer be able to truly enjoy A and laugh at her…laugh with her. Worried that all my time and energy will be spent on the new baby and A will be neglected. Worried that I will resent the new baby for taking away the lifestyle I have and for taking away the relationship I have with A. There were so many thoughts in such a short time…and it’s like they just kept feeding off each other and kept getting worse and worse. Even to the point of wondering if I actually wanted more than one child…if maybe we’d made a mistake…
It breaks my heart to even write those words. I want this baby, of course I do, I’d take this one AND my twins if it was my choice.
I think every parent struggles with the change that takes place adding baby #2. The first baby changes you so very much. There’s such an internal struggle to hang onto the person you were before children and the slow transformation into a mother. It happens slowly, over time, until one day you look up and can’t really remember life before children. And when you do remember it, it seems as though you’re watching a movie with someone acting out your former life. You remember how hard that transformation was, so with baby #2 on the way, it only makes sense that one would be fearful of another drastic change. Sometimes I’m still surprised that I actually survived that first year. Now I finally feel settled into my role as a mother…and a stay at home mom at that. Now I feel like that settled feeling is going to be yanked out from underneath me. And I feel like so much of who I am now has been formed based on what’s best for A and if that gets taken away…what happens to her?
The Hubs tells me I’m hormonal these days, so that’s probably where some of the irrational thoughts are coming from, but it still worries me. And if I’m this worried at only 6 weeks in, I have no clue what to expect in the coming months. Still not sure if what I experienced was a panic attack or normal anxiety. Either way, it sucked.