Contrary to popular belief…

I have not fallen off the face of the earth.  I am in fact, alive and (mostly) well.  It’s been a difficult few weeks, I’m not gonna lie.  I’ve been a mess of emotions since I’m still not out of what I’ve deemed the “scary zone.”  I’m feeling Earl move on an almost daily basis…several times a day, but it only pacifies me for a few moments.  I kind of wish I could permanently attach the doppler to my stomach and wear an earpiece constantly.  I just can’t shake the “what-if” feeling of something going horribly wrong…that one day things will be fine and the next day, they’re not.  And I’ll have no clue…there just won’t be a heartbeat one day.  It’s a rough position to be in, and I try not to focus on it too much since the Hubs and little A don’t seem to be suffering from the same emotional strain I am and I don’t want to drag them down.  In addition, I’m still feeling pretty crummy.  In fact, Sunday was particularly rough (threw-up everything I’d eaten that day on Sunday night) and it hasn’t been much fun since then.  I went to bed with a headache last night and woke up with the same headache this morning.  Or perhaps it was a close relative of last night’s headache…who knows.  I’ve had Tylenol and Starbucks this morning and it’s just.not.helping.  I feel queasy and pathetic.  I’m totally useless these days.  Pretty sure Hubs is looking to trade me in for a newer, more highly-functioning model.

In other news, we’re struggling with A.  She was a really difficult baby.  She was just high-maintenance and didn’t sleep through the night for 13 months.  Once she got into the routine of sleeping through the night, she’s been a great sleeper.  Goes to bed well and sleeps soundly until morning; rarely waking up in the middle of the night.  We didn’t even have any issues when we moved her out of her crib and into the toddler bed.  She made the transition seamlessly and that was months ago.  A few weeks ago on a Friday night, she just wouldn’t go to sleep.  It was almost 11 when she finally passed out in my bed.  It’s been on-going since then and in addition to not going to sleep at night she doesn’t want to go to school and wouldn’t go to Sunday School this past Sunday.  We took her into the service and she started quietly crying while her dad was holding her and continued to silently cry while I had her.  It was heartbreaking (imagine tears silently streaming down your child’s face) so I made my way out to the lobby with her where I spent the majority of Sunday’s service.  I guess she was scared by the loud music and all the new faces.  We’ve tried everything at night.  We started with Tylenol thinking maybe a growth spurt or something was causing some muscle aches.  I’ve considered taking her to the doctor just to make sure she’s not sick in some way (although she seems just fine during the day)  We’ve tried explaining to her that mommy and daddy are just in the next room, we’ll be in to check on her after she’s asleep and that we’ll be here in the morning when she gets up.  I’ve tried waking her up from her marathon naps just to make sure it wasn’t an issue of her needing less sleep.  I even got her to tell me she’s afraid of the dark (something about bats and spiders) so we went this past weekend and bought her a nightlight.  Nothing has helped.  Last night was the last straw, I was in her room for the 2nd time since putting her to bed and she had a death grip on my arm.  She still wouldn’t go to sleep so I told her I was leaving and would be back to check on her.  She freaked out and started bawling…and she got out of bed and basically chased after me as I tried to leave her room.  My heart breaks just thinking about it.  Needless to say, I stayed with her until she fell asleep.  I don’t know what else to do except stay with her.  She obviously has some sort of fear about me leaving and healthy or not, I’m just not sure I can listen to her cry from fear.  We I didn’t make her cry it out as an infant, I really don’t think I can do it now.  She’s obviously scared of something…you can see it on her face when we go back into her room.  To make matters worse, she’s more intently fighting preschool these days.  She actually fussed a little bit this morning when I dropped her off.  Thank God the teacher had some animals set up in the room so  she was distracted enough to go play with them.  I’m concerned on a number of levels.  I’m worried that I’m not doing something right and that translates into her not having the confidence she needs to be alone.  I’m worried this issue won’t resolve itself before Earl gets here…and then it’s just going to be 100 times worse.  I’m worried I can’t take much more of her separation anxiety before it breaks me; I’m already a hormonal, emotional mess and I just feel so badly for her.  I’m at a loss and I feel totally helpless.  I have no idea who to ask for advice or answers.  I’m terrified of the next several weeks when Hubs gets back on the road and it’s just me (only functioning at about 40%), a cranky, sleep-deprived toddler suffering from a severe case of separation anxiety (I guess?) and 3 dogs that seem to be determined to see me off to the looney-bin.

Deep breath.

I promise to try and have better news soon.  I wanted to take a belly shot this weekend, but not only do I not seem to be getting much bigger, I couldn’t find anything decent to wear.  Hopefully soon I’ll feel up to it.  I’m working on a plan to announce the gender to our family once we find out in a few weeks.  I really don’t feel like making phone calls from the parking garage this time, so I’ve come up with a few ideas.  We’ll see how it all works out.

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2 thoughts on “Contrary to popular belief…

  1. i understand how you’re feeling, i was completely detached during my pregnancy with louise because i was sure i was going to lose her, i even ordered my own doppler so i could hear her heartbeat whenever i wanted. and even when i could feel her moving around all the time i was still worried.
    i know it’s not helpful, but a is probably just going through a stage. i think her behavior is pretty normal though probably a little on the inconvenient side. we also did not do cio, when my baby is crying my instincts tell me to go to her, that’s got to count for something, right? louise is a great sleeper now, i hope it stays that way.
    my husband has been traveling every week, i really hate it.

    • The constant fear is really hard to explain to someone that has no experience with loss or struggled to get pg, you know? They’re just like, oh, everything will be fine. It makes me want to slap them for saying something so downright stupid. I’ve never really understood cry it out. Especially since I nursed for a year…she was probably legitimately hungry. My husband is traveling a ton right now too and will until probably Christmas time. It sucks…especially when he leaves town on a Sunday…I just feel like it really cuts into our weekend/ family time.

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