Last Friday did not disappoint in its promise to be filled with emotions. My inability to stop crying after leaving the doctor’s office with the best possible news was a testament to the pent-up stress and worry I’ve been carrying since July. The weekend brought with it the stress that one feels when one realizes OH MY GOD WE HAVE A NEW BABY COMING AND I’VE WASTED HALF MY TIME BEING WORRIED AND OH MY GOD HOW AM I GOING TO GET EVERYTHING DONE AND OH HOLY CRAP WE PROBABLY DON’T EVEN HAVE 20 FULL WEEKS BECAUSE A WAS 2 WEEKS EARLY AND THEY SAY THE 2ND (4TH) ONE COMES EARLIER AND I KNOW WE DON’T NEED A TON OF STUFF BUT WE STILL NEED SOME STUFF AND I DON’T WANT TO WAIT UNTIL AFTER SHE’S BORN BECAUSE THEN I’LL BE DOING EVERYTHING WITH A TODDLER AND AN INFANT AND OH MY GOD THERE’S STILL THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS TO DEAL WITH. So, alas, here I am, 6 days out from my BIG doctor’s appointment and I’m not feeling the magical release I was hoping to feel that would remain for the duration of this pregnancy (I didn’t really expect it to happen, but I was slightly hopeful). And I can’t seem to name this baby. Names are important to me, and it is also important to me to have a name quickly so that I/we are able to call this baby by name. The problem is, the last time we FINALLY decided upon names, our babies died a few days later. I feel like once I name this little girl I’ve started the beginning of the end. I suppose she already has a name; I do believe, after all, that God knows us before we are even formed in the womb so it really doesn’t matter that we haven’t decided upon or discovered her name yet. If she already has one, the act of us actually making a decision isn’t going to affect the outcome of this pregnancy at all. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. If I’m being honest with you, I think she already has a name. There’s one I tossed out a few days ago and just as easily as A’s name was decided upon, this one went over well and meets all of our requirements. Hubs liked it and even came back a few days later to tell me he’d been thinking about it, and really liked it. I think he’s ready to commit, I’m not.
In addition to the naming conundrum…I can’t buy anything. I want to, badly. I at least purchased her a tiny sock monkey doll so she’ll have SOMETHING we’ve given her at the hospital. It was one of my biggest regrets with the twins…to not have anything to give them, to put in their bassinet, that we had purchased for them. But I don’t feel the joy and excitement one should feel purchasing teeny-tiny baby items and I still feel a lot of fear. I think my defense mechanisms are working overtime. If I don’t buy anything, then I won’t get so attached. I don’t want it to be that way. I want to go out, happen upon some toy, blanket or piece of clothing and feel that tug to purchase it for MY little girl. To have that quick mental image of her wearing it or playing with it. I have a whole list of items I want to purchase and I probably need to start getting at least a few, but I’m just still so scared. Even though I feel her move daily, it’s not constant. She’ll have REALLY active days then be fairly quiet for several days which leaves me constantly shaking my belly to wake her or darting to my room for a quick doppler check. I’m so sad for the loss of innocence about pregnancy. I would love to go out shopping, blissfully unaware of the potential tragedies that are experienced everyday. I would love to make purchases lovingly and not make purchases with the thought, “Gosh, I really hope she gets to use this.”
I have an unexpected “day off” today. Hubs will be out pretty late tonight for a meeting, so he hung around and took A to school. My mother-in-law called yesterday and wanted to pick her up from school and keep her for a few hours. So basically, I have until 5ish all to myself and I don’t even have to cook dinner thanks to some yummy left over beef stew in the fridge. It actually worked out great. I have several errands to run and a few things to do around the house. I ordered most of A’s Christmas presents yesterday off Amazon and need to pick up one more thing for her today. I have NO CLUE what I’m going to do with all the boxes once they arrive. NO CLUE. I need to run to the post office, purchase several birthday gifts for parties this weekend and I’m sure I’ll go to Target. I always go to Target. Also on my agenda for the day…order baby bedding.