As Sunday approaches, I find myself dealing with some uncomfortable feelings. It took me a few days to establish exactly what I was feeling. I’ve been continually surprised at the fall-out from losing the twins. So many things have affected me in ways that have caught me off guard; or surprised me. My feelings regarding Mother’s Day are no different. Last years’ Mother’s Day was rough. Pretty easy for anyone to understand why. While A was here and healthy, I was less than 2 months out from having lost and delivered the twins and I wasn’t yet pregnant with Baby C. I don’t remember it. I don’t know what we did or if I received a gift of any kind. I’m sure I spent a good chunk of the day in an alcohol-induced daze. I do remember spending time with the twins, looking at their pictures and holding their ashes telling them I loved them and missed them. It was important for me to spend time with ALL my children that day.
As this Mother’s Day get closer I’m surprised to find myself feeling a slight sense of dread. Feeling that I wish we could simply gloss over the day. Feeling that I want to wake up and it’s magically Monday morning instead of Sunday. Feeling that it would just be best if everyone around me simply forgot it was Mother’s Day and we could go through the day like it was a normal Sunday. I’d even be ok celebrating my own mother but avoiding the fact that I’m a mother. I feel bad, on one hand, because I never want it to seem like A and Baby C aren’t enough for me, but Mother’s Day is just a vividly staunch reminder that I am a mother to 2 little girls I will never know in this life. If I can’t celebrate being a mother to ALL my children, I’m not sure I want to celebrate it at all. I dunno, I still haven’t reconciled my feelings. I just know I’m not looking forward to Sunday. Not looking forward to being reminded of what I don’t have and not looking forward to having to force a happy face because my 2 living children are too young to understand why Mommy’s upset. I feel pulled in 2 different directions on Mother’s Day. On one hand I want to celebrate being a mom to the 2 happy, healthy children I do have. On the other hand, I want to weep for the 2 babies I don’t have. On a day I should be celebrating getting to be a mom (a gift I know many people aren’t so lucky to have), I’m broken-hearted by the sense of loss I still feel. It’s difficult for those around me, too, I’m sure. The Hubs tends to follow my lead. He’d throw me a party if that’s what I wanted. Instead, I told him I wanted to take pictures with A and Baby C and I wanted to take a nap. My mother-in-law brought me flowers, which was sweet, but I often feel she and my father-in-law have completely forgotten the twins ever existed. My mom, on the other hand, will most likely call me with a cautionary tone in her voice to make sure I’m doing ok, but expecting I’m not. None of it is ok. It’s not ok that I don’t want to celebrate, or be celebrated. It’s not ok I’ll spend the day feeling highly emotional and weepy; with the sadness outweighing the joy. It’s not ok that my in-laws never mention the twins. And it’s not ok that my mom calls expecting drama. But it is what it is. It’s another example of how we’re continually learning to live in a new normal.