I read this quote yesterday, and it makes me smile every time I think about it. “You have to hang in there, because two or three years later, the gremlins will return your child, and (she) he will be wonderful again.”– Jill Eikenberg
So true for my life right now, and adding that bit of humor is what keeps me going through the day. I love my kids, every one of them, completely, but I’m pretty sure they’re out to destroy me. I’m actually beyond thankful today. 6 weeks ago A found a disposable needle in a field and punctured her finger. We’ve had 2 rounds of blood tests…one immediately and one at 6 weeks. We heard from the doctor yesterday her final blood test came back completely normal. Thank God. It was, so far, the scariest thing I’ve encountered as a parent. Having your 3-year-old tested for Hepatitis and HIV is just plain wrong. But all that aside, I find myself dealing with a 3-year-old that is absolutely convinced the world revolves around her. I presume most 3-year-olds share her sentiments. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing…tending to C, talking to the Hubs, dishes, laundry, making the bed…she’s not happy if my attention is not on her 100% of the time. I feel awful because it seems everything else and everyone else, in my life is being neglected. If I’m making the bed, she wants to be jumping on it. If I’m doing dishes, she wants me to get out her playdoh, or markers, or stickers, or anything she can come up with to interrupt me doing the dishes. If I’m folding laundry, she wants to roll around in the piles. If I’m tending to C, she wants to be in the same room and try as she might, she’s just not capable of being quiet…so putting C down for a nap with A in the same room is basically impossible. We’re on the final stretch of summer here and it shows. It’s hot (too hot to be outside for a good chunk of the day), she’s bored, I’m bored and I struggle to get out of the house with both girls in tow. I’ve just had C for the past 24 hours…A spent the night with her grandparents and while I’ve missed A, it’s been so nice to run a bunch of errands and have some time to sit and breathe. I wouldn’t give up any of it though. As crazy and difficult as it is, I love it. I’m looking forward to August and September too. A will go back to school in September and I just signed her up for a 1 day per week preschool at our local zoo. She’s going to have an absolute blast. She didn’t want to do dance again, so zoo school it is. We tossed around the idea of her playing soccer, but during the fall the games would interfere with Aggie games, so….yeah….maybe she can play soccer in the Spring.
Like most mothers, I’m sure, I find myself constantly striving to be a better mom to A. The past few weeks have been especially hard. I told Hubs I thought maybe I should go back to work…that being home with her isn’t the best thing. I don’t think I actually feel that way, but geez, when nothing you do seems to work in terms of teaching or disciplining, you’re left wondering if you should just wipe the slate clean and start from scratch. I’ve been so close, too close, to walking out the door at 5 o’clock several nights and not coming home until late, late at night. Just dropping everything, because I’m frustrated and angry, and leaving. One of the things my mom taught me is to never leave the house angry. That lesson has stuck with me for a long, long time. I did get some time away this week, spent a few hours running errands alone then split a bottle of wine with Aunt D. It did wonders. It’s amazing what a few hours away will do for my sanity. I’m going to start doing it more often. Even if I don’t plan it for myself, my volunteer obligations are getting ready to kick into high gear and I’ll be forced to spend time away from home, the Hubs and the Littles. I’ve been struggling lately because it seems my needs, wants and desires come dead-last in this family. And I guess that’s the plight of a mother, but it’s still a hard pill to swallow sometimes or in my case, most of the time. I sleep until the girls wake up in the mornings because C is still up several times a night, I don’t nap during the day, and I fall into bed bone-tired at night. There’s just nothing left for me at the end of the day. I know it’s all temporary…in the blink of an eye C will be done nursing, she’ll be sleeping through the night, A will be back in school and I’ll start convincing myself it’s time to try for another baby because I’ll start longing for days like the ones I’m currently experiencing. But isn’t that one of life’s biggest challenges? To take what you KNOW and take what you FEEL and somehow morph them into one consistent thought and action? I’m working on it, but I’m just not very good at it.