I’ve been a little tense lately. I haven’t felt much like myself. I’ve been feeling, heavy, in a way. Like I’m carrying around a lot of stress, a lot of emotional weight. At first I figured part of the problem was a lack of sleep and the general frustrations that come with having 2 young children. I started thinking, “Things will get better when A goes back to school in September.” But the truth is, I’m dealing with a lot more than having my kid home during the summer.
I feel there is a lot being asked of me right now. In addition to a pregnancy/new baby…the whole thing was highly charged, emotionally, since it was right on the heels of losing the twins. I still haven’t had a chance to come down from the emotional high I was on for the duration of my pregnancy. Less than 2 weeks after C was born, there was a shitstorm with Hubs’ job and so began the process of him quitting and starting his own company. It wasn’t as simple as turning in a resignation. There were many things to manage, many things to consider…one of the biggest issues being my medical needs relating to my skin cancer diagnosis. I find myself stuck at home a lot yet I still feel my house is a disaster. I can’t seem to get anything cleaned during the day. I don’t manage to get out of the house much…it’s not easy. Plus, I’ve cut my spending dramatically in order to preserve our savings as long as possible. I rarely get “me” time. The Hubs and I haven’t had a date in I don’t know how long…hell, most nights we don’t even really talk. Strangely enough, even though he’s not traveling and is working from home, we seem to have much less time together than before. He works all the time and after the girls are asleep (a whole ‘nother problem) I just want some alone/quiet time to surf the web, catch up on my blogs/message boards and spend some time without someone needing or wanting something from me. Or touching me. Bedtime in this house is a disaster. If A doesn’t nap…she’s a bear. If she does nap, she won’t go to sleep at night. C goes down pretty easily, but is awake within 30 minutes needing to be rocked back to sleep. She’s still up at least twice a night to eat and about 50% of the time, she won’t settle down and go back to sleep. For example…she was up at 4:45 this morning. Bedtime just adds to my frustration that has mounded up during the day and by about 8pm, I’m ready to run out of the house screaming. It’s like the straw that breaks the camels back every.single.day.
But I signed up for all of this and I own it.
Nothing on my list of complaints is surprising to me and I’ve taken it all on voluntarily. I can’t even fix the sleep issues because I’m too big of a wuss to let C cry and I flat-out don’t have the time or desire to read one of the several sleep books available. But my list of “issues” isn’t even what really bothers me. My problem is the guilt I feel for being frustrated about any of it. The guilt that comes from knowing I should be thankful everyday, for every moment I get with my husband and my kids but finding myself, at the end of each day, wondering if I’m actually looking forward to getting up the next morning and doing it all over again. I wanted my kids. I pined for them. I prayed for them. And they are both more precious to me than anything else I’ve ever known and I would do just about anything to see them happy. I’ve known the heartbreak of loss and I know what it’s like to wonder what my life would look like if I hadn’t lost the twins. I know what it’s like to long for a moment with them, no matter the circumstances, to be able to touch them, to hold them, to tell them I love them…to know them…if only for a moment. I know what it’s like to beg for a glimpse into what life could have been like if things had gone differently.
I feel awful…so damn guilty for complaining about any part of my current life. And I feel like a horrible mother and a horrible person for not being able to be joyful in every moment in every day…especially where C is concerned since I was so fearful of her not getting her at all. I sometimes find myself fearful that something else tragic is going to happen…wondering if I didn’t learn my lesson wholly the first time around. I desperately need something to lighten my mood…something to relieve some of the tension I constantly feel. Someone or something to take some of this weight off my shoulders. I took A and C to the mall yesterday to play on the indoor playground. On the way out, I passed a double stroller with 2 matching carseats (black and white damask with hot pink trim) each holding a teeny-tiny, sleeping baby girl. It was as close to tears that I’ve come in quite some time and my heart still hurts thinking about it. I’ve managed to avoid seeing a brand-new set of twin girls for over a year and my first encounter just came at the wrong time.