Today is August 20th. The due date for the twins was one year ago today. Had they survived, they’d be just over a year old since the chance of them going full term was near 0. But they didn’t, and I’m left with another date during the year that leaves me wondering exactly how I’m supposed to feel. I suspect as the years go on, this date will hold less and less meaning for me. Although, I can’t be sure. Today hasn’t been terribly difficult. I felt more emotional than usual this morning and slightly weepy, but as the day went on, and my responsibilities unfolded in front of me, I didn’t really find too much time to sit in sorrow or contemplate my feelings.
I wish I could sit here today and tell you about how I’m all better. How I’ve healed up and am continuing on with life barely thinking about the tragic events that took place last year. But that’s not the case. In fact, I told the Hubs just this morning that I feel like I’ve stalled out…like I’m stuck somewhere on this road of healing and I’m not moving. I’m not in a terrible place, or even a bad place, but I can’t say I’m feeling significantly better than I did yesterday, last week or even a few months ago. It’s frustrating even though I knew better than to expect a quick turn-around. You don’t just bounce back from something like this.
It’s been a while, in fact, a very long while, since anyone has asked how I’m doing. I’m not sure how I would respond. I mean, I’m fine, but I still have moments of sadness, moments of anger. I still wonder what it would have been like. More than anything else though, when I find myself thinking about the whole ordeal, it seems like an out-of-body experience. I know it happened to me, but when I replay the events in my mind it’s like I’m watching it happen to someone else. In a way, I guess I am.
I wanted so badly to take pictures of A and C today. To capture what my life looked like on this day…but it just didn’t work out. That’s ok…maybe tomorrow. I did take time to really look at both my girls today. To be thankful for them. A spent a long weekend with her grandparents and I was thrilled to have her back home. To hug her, to see her pretty face and even to put up with her 3-year-old antics. And sweet baby C…sometimes looking at her is so bittersweet. I love her completely, but there’s no hiding the fact she came after the twins. She’ll always hold a special place in my heart as the baby that wouldn’t have been here if events hadn’t unfolded the way they did. She’s only 5 months old and I just CANNOT imagine our life without her.
I’ve been taking tons of pictures. I can still remember the day I decided it was time to quit playing around and learn how to use my camera. I’ve come so far since then and I still have much to learn. I will say this for my healing though…I’ve noticed a difference in myself in photographs. I look happy. For the first time in a very long time, I look happy in pictures. It’s progress, tangible evidence that I’m moving forward on this journey, and that makes my heart smile.