Well, hello there. It feels strange to be here. I haven’t forgotten about this place, not at all in fact, but I feel somewhat a stranger coming back here. Although these are my words.
I feel almost unwelcome here. That these words are from a place I don’t want to visit…a part of my life, if you will, I want documented but don’t wish to truly remember.
But we never forget, do we?
And it’s important to remember.
No matter our desires, our heads and hearts hold onto those memories…clinging to the feelings, like the talons of a bird cling to its prey, because letting go of them means something dies all over again.
If we don’t cling to the memories, we can no longer re-live the experience searching for clues as to why? As if we’d missed the answer, hidden in the shadows, from the thousands of preceding mental viewings.
Everywhere I’ve looked today has been today’s date…3/24. Megyn’s birthday. Tomorrow is Whitney’s birthday and yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of the day we were told our twins had died inside my body.
This year, it’s a difficult 3 days. I can’t say I’m incredibly sad this year, I’m not joyful, I’m just, melancholy? Is that the best word? I found myself worried late last night about their birthday party. I believe in Heaven and I found myself praying to a God, that I’m still angry with, that someone give them a party. That they had balloons, cake, candles, that someone sang to them, told them Happy Birthday, that they had a day filled with laughter and celebration. That someone hugged my girls and told them they were loved. Wanted. Some of you may think that sounds absolutely insane, but grief plays itself out so very differently in people. This was my way of dealing with the grief of losing my two girls this year. I don’t wish to go on like this…each year has brought dread and sorrow, and truly, I don’t expect that to be the case as time goes on. As with most other things, time is the great healer.
When I think back to 2 years ago, I don’t really remember it. I seem to recall a life free from such tragic grief, free from the reality and fears that come with our experience, but I don’t have a clear picture of that life. I almost don’t recognize myself these days…2 years out. I CERTAINLY don’t recognize who I am today compared to the person I thought I would be. I’ve lost weight, I dress differently, I’m a different wife and mother than I’d ever imagined myself to be, my emotions process differently and I carry the weight of the reality that I lost 2 daughters. None of these things are particularly bad…who wouldn’t want to lose weight? I feel like I’ve found my own fashion style and it suits me. I feel better about myself now than I’ve ever felt before. The way I process emotions may be different, but I have to believe they are more real than ever before. The weight of reality I carry with me requires me to view life differently. Life is so much more precious now than ever before, which can be both awesome and so scary at the same time. My relationship with my husband is both easy and amazing and difficult and mind-boggling. There are parts that are better than ever and parts that make me feel like we are at square 1. My personal journey is confusing also. While I believe I’m meant to serve my family…my children and my husband, I feel there is more I should be doing. I volunteer, but there’s more. I don’t know what it is…I’m not even sure when I’d fit more into my schedule, but there’s a piece of me missing.
I was right, a long time ago, when I started writing here. My story was just beginning. It’s a journey, that is still very much in the beginning phases. I’m no closer to knowing how the story ends today than I was 2 years ago and at the same time, I feel like I’ve solved a good chuck of the puzzle just by walking the walk. Just by getting out of bed each day…especially in the early days. Just by being willing to say losing the twins was only the beginning, and not the end.
I’d like to come back here more. I’d like to share more, to catch up and tell you what has happened over the past year, and share with you what my heart desires in the months and years to come. My avoidance here has been mostly due to time constraints…this year has been busy. It’s hard enough to find the time to write, even harder to have the peace of mind needed to process my thoughts and emotions and put something here that’s worth reading now and worth remembering years from now.
There’s a part of my that yearns for time here, though. I’m pulled here, a place to write, to be emotional, to document this life of mine. A place to chronicle this journey I’m on and a place for people to come that may find some small bit of help here. Even if only to learn they are not alone in this crazy thing called life.
So I think you’ll see more of me, very soon.