Sister Love

I’ve been amazed since day 1 at how much Baby C adores her big sister.  For now, big sister also adores her baby sister; frequently asking to see her, kiss her, hug her and commanding I go check on her baby sister when she hears Baby C fussing.  I love watching them interact and while Baby C likes me and her daddy, she absolutely has a favorite…her big sister.  Here’s proof, a random Wednesday morning before dance class.

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I miss blogging.

And I also know nothing lasts forever, so I’m trying to remember that my new baby is only 6 weeks old and the fact that I can’t nail down tons of time each day to blog is really ok.  But I do miss it.  I miss being able to put my thoughts down, to work out what’s on my mind.  Honestly though, there really hasn’t been any new developments as of late, but I’ve got some great pictures I need to share!

Baby C continues to be a generally happy and easy baby.  I can now see why people think babies are adorable, tiny little packages of squishy fun.  She sleeps pretty well, and has lately been stretching her feedings out to around 4 hour stretches.  When she does eat, it’s usually for about 15-20 minutes.  We’ll have the occasional 45 minute nursing session, but they’re so rare I don’t complain.  She’s SOOOOO different from  A.  I was still a wreck at this point with A and right now I’m sitting in bed on Hubs’ laptop while Baby C kicks around happily talking to herself and me in the pack-n-play next to me.  She makes it seem so easy.  Seriously.

A is taking a very rare after preschool nap right now.  She fell asleep on the way home and I just stuck her in bed; I try not to let her nap this late in the day but she’s staying the night with her grandparents so I don’t have to put her to bed tonight.  Hehe.

My 6 week post-partum check-up is tomorrow which means I’ll (almost) be officially done with this pregnancy.  Aside from an appt. to have my IUD put in and a follow-up from that, I should be in the clear for at least another year.  I’m thrilled.  I’ve had enough of my OB’s office for a while.  Not that I don’t love her and her staff, but between the twins and trying to get C here safely, I’ve spent a crazy amount of time in her office.  It will feel great to be “free” so to speak.  6 weeks post-partum also means I’ll be cleared for exercise, so, I suppose I should come up with something along those lines.  I assume I’ll run.  It’s free, and can fit into my schedule whenever.  We canceled our gym membership long ago since neither of us really used it and now isn’t the time to be taking on additional expenses.  Pregnancy is nice to me…I don’t gain much weight.  Breastfeeding is even nicer to me, as I drop a lot of weight quickly.  In order to keep it off though I either have to give up the booze (NOT HAPPENING) or exercise.  So, exercise it will be.  Eventually.  Maybe.  Probably.  The Hubs is thrilled for my 6 week check-up for, er, other reasons.  Because we have all this spare, alone time these days…

The Hubs celebrated his 31st birthday this weekend.  He wanted to spend the day in College Station as the football team was having their annual, open-to-the-public scrimmage.  I thought it sounded crazy, but agreed and we had a great time.  Both girls were great, A had a wonderful time at the game and running on the field afterwards and C was a super baby.  We also decided, for sure, that Hubs is quitting his job to try his side business on a full-time basis.  Right now, for insurance purposes, we’re planning for him to turn in his resignation on June 1, which also happens to be our 10 year anniversary.  Happy anniversary to us.  This whole decision is a huge step of faith (think the Indiana Jones movie where he steps out over the cliff only to set foot on a bridge that wasn’t visible) but I think think it’s the right one.  Please, oh please, let there be a bridge.  Just having him home, not traveling, will be awesome.  And I’m so proud of him and so glad that we have the opportunity for him to try this.  I’m really hoping we’re headed down the road we’re supposed to be on.  In order to stretch our savings as far as it will go, it will mean a change in life style (not that we currently live a super glamorous life or anything) for a temporary period, which has me a little wigged out, but oh well.  I’m really hoping it proves to be worth the sacrifice.

I promise to try to blog more regularly.  And I promise to be back soon with some new pictures to share!

Guilt

It’s something I have plenty of.  And something I’ve been really struggling with over the past few days.  If anyone is in need of an extra dose, I’d be happy to share.

I’ve always been a guilty-feeling person.  I guess it’s part of my nature.  It’s also a sign of a lack of confidence, but that’s a different topic.  I don’t struggle as much with guilt as I once did, but it’s still there.  The guilt I deal with now seems more important than earlier in my life.  I feel guilty about my lack of attention to my role as a wife.  I feel guilty about my lack of attention to my role as a house wife/mom.  I really kind of suck at it.  It’s a lot of work maintaining this house with 2 adults, 1 toddler and 3 out-of-control dogs.  We don’t live in squalor, but I’m just not real good about the day to day stuff…and I regularly feel guilty about it.  I feel most guilty about my parenting.  Most days I go to bed feeling as though A didn’t get my 100% all day and I feel bad about it.  I hate the nights when I watch the clock and just wait for bedtime.  I know it happens to everyone, and it doesn’t make me a bad mom per say, but to spend your evenings reflecting upon your day and not liking the conclusion is a tough pill to swallow.

I’m struggling most with my feelings of guilt about this new baby.  My head understands that I cannot expect the same kind of attention, conversation and thoughts be given to this baby since we have another child to care for.  However, it seems like Baby C is only real to me and the Hubs.  And if I’m being honest, I think sometimes she’s not really real to us either.  We were in College Station last week and had stopped to pick up some new Aggie Swag where A selected a small stuffed Revielle.  We, of course, bought it for her and she carried it around all weekend.  It wasn’t expensive at all ($10) and we had extra money set aside for exactly that.  That was Wednesday.  It took me until Sunday night for a light bulb to go off that it never even occurred to me to pick one up for Baby C.  I’ve been feeling guilty and bummed-out ever since.  I’m still beating myself up about it.  It makes me sad and I can’t help but wonder if there’s some deeper meaning behind the whole scenario.  In addition to the realization, it got me thinking about the behavior of our families.  I was pregnant with A the exact same time of year, which means that I was shocked when A was gifted several things on Christmas of 2008; before she was even born.  Now, I find myself fretting that Baby C will get nothing.  Mostly because our families don’t talk about her at all.  No one asks about her, no one really brings her up.  It’s like she doesn’t exist.  I was talking with a girlfriend the other day and she assures me it’s simply the dreaded second-child syndrome.  That it was the same way with her 2nd daughter.  But I don’t know, when I mentioned it to Hubs he reminded me that I/we don’t really talk about her to other people.  He also reminded me that for 20 weeks, she was pretty much a secret to everyone except our closest friends and immediate family and the whole topic was somewhat taboo amongst them, too.  Also, we aren’t sharing her name and we did so with A as soon as we picked it.  Maybe we should change our decision and share her name…but I’m not convinced that would change anything.  So now I feel like I’ve done this to myself and to her.  It’s my fault no one seems to think she’s real, it’s my fault no one is particularly attached to her.  It’s my fault our families don’t seem at all excited about her.  I don’t know how to fix this either.  Hubs suggested ordering her the stuffed Revielle online, but’s it’s just not the same.  He also suggested we talk about her more…but what is there to say?  We haven’t even really begun to prepare for her at all here at home and I have no idea how to go about “discussing” her.  The whole thing just makes me sad.  And the saddest part of all is that I’m concerned our families view Baby C as “sloppy-seconds” after losing the twins.  She’s soooooo much more than that to us.  She’s our little girl.  She’s another person for us to cuddle, for me to nurse, for us to mold and shape and help grow.  She’ll have her own personality and will cement herself into our lives in her own special way.  She’s the sister to our little girl and I know she’s a missing piece to our puzzle.  She was very much wanted even before she was conceived; I yearned to be pregnant with her without knowing anything about her.  Now I know a lot about her.  She’s a thumb-sucker (I was a thumb-sucker) and has big feet, based on my last sono.  She doesn’t like loud noises or loud music in the car.  She’s quiet and still when I get stressed-out or upset.  She’ll start kicking around the most once I have a glass of ice water…sugar and caffeine don’t seem to do much for her.  She moves the most late at night and into the early mornings and tends to be asleep when I wake up around 7.  She wouldn’t exist at all if it hadn’t been for the tragedy of the twins and that right there makes her very, very special.  Like I said before, I don’t know how to fix it and I’m not even sure how to deal with the whole thing.  I realize I may be pleasantly surprised on Christmas, but I doubt it.  It just doesn’t feel the same as it did with A, and it’s a real bummer.

I can’t seem to name this baby…

Last Friday did not disappoint in its promise to be filled with emotions.  My inability to stop crying after leaving the doctor’s office with the best possible news was a testament to the pent-up stress and worry I’ve been carrying since July.  The weekend brought with it the stress that one feels when one realizes OH MY GOD WE HAVE A NEW BABY COMING AND I’VE WASTED HALF MY TIME BEING WORRIED AND OH MY GOD HOW AM I GOING TO GET EVERYTHING DONE AND OH HOLY CRAP WE PROBABLY DON’T EVEN HAVE 20 FULL WEEKS BECAUSE A WAS 2 WEEKS EARLY AND THEY SAY THE 2ND (4TH) ONE COMES EARLIER AND I KNOW WE DON’T NEED A TON OF STUFF BUT WE STILL NEED SOME STUFF AND I DON’T WANT TO WAIT UNTIL AFTER SHE’S BORN BECAUSE THEN I’LL BE DOING EVERYTHING WITH A TODDLER AND AN INFANT AND OH MY GOD THERE’S STILL THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS TO DEAL WITH.  So, alas, here I am, 6 days out from my BIG doctor’s appointment and I’m not feeling the magical release I was hoping to feel that would remain for the duration of this pregnancy (I didn’t really expect it to happen, but I was slightly hopeful).  And I can’t seem to name this baby.  Names are important to me, and it is also important to me to have a name quickly so that I/we are able to call this baby by name.  The problem is, the last time we FINALLY decided upon names, our babies died a few days later.  I feel like once I name this little girl I’ve started the beginning of the end.  I suppose she already has a name; I do believe, after all, that God knows us before we are even formed in the womb so it really doesn’t matter that we haven’t decided upon or discovered her name yet.  If she already has one, the act of us actually making a decision isn’t going to affect the outcome of this pregnancy at all.  Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself.  If I’m being honest with you, I think she already has a name.  There’s one I tossed out a few days ago and just as easily as A’s name was decided upon, this one went over well and meets all of our requirements.  Hubs liked it and even came back a few days later to tell me he’d been thinking about it, and really liked it.  I think he’s ready to commit, I’m not.

In addition to the naming conundrum…I can’t buy anything.  I want to, badly.  I at least purchased her a tiny sock monkey doll so she’ll have SOMETHING we’ve given her at the hospital.  It was one of my biggest regrets with the twins…to not have anything to give them, to put in their bassinet, that we had purchased for them.  But I don’t feel the joy and excitement one should feel purchasing teeny-tiny baby items and I still feel a lot of fear.  I think my defense mechanisms are working overtime.  If I don’t buy anything, then I won’t get so attached.  I don’t want it to be that way.  I want to go out, happen upon some toy, blanket or piece of clothing and feel that tug to purchase it for MY little girl.  To have that quick mental image of her wearing it or playing with it.  I have a whole list of items I want to purchase and I probably need to start getting at least a few, but I’m just still so scared.  Even though I feel her move daily, it’s not constant.  She’ll have REALLY active days then be fairly quiet for several days which leaves me constantly shaking my belly to wake her or darting to my room for a quick doppler check.  I’m so sad for the loss of innocence about pregnancy.  I would love to go out shopping, blissfully unaware of the potential tragedies that are experienced everyday.  I would love to make purchases lovingly and not make purchases with the thought, “Gosh, I really hope she gets to use this.”

I have an unexpected “day off” today.  Hubs will be out pretty late tonight for a meeting, so he hung around and took A to school.  My mother-in-law called yesterday and wanted to pick her up from school and keep her for a few hours.  So basically, I have until 5ish all to myself and I don’t even have to cook dinner thanks to some yummy left over beef stew in the fridge.  It actually worked out great.  I have several errands to run and a few things to do around the house.  I ordered most of A’s Christmas presents yesterday off Amazon and need to pick up one more thing for her today.  I have NO CLUE what I’m going to do with all the boxes once they arrive.  NO CLUE.  I need to run to the post office, purchase several birthday gifts for parties this weekend and I’m sure I’ll go to Target.  I always go to Target.  Also on my agenda for the day…order baby bedding.

15W 3D

I was scheduled for a normal OB check-up yesterday at 15 weeks and 3 days.  It was exactly 4 weeks from my last appointment.  I was expecting the typical weight, pee in a cup, blood pressure, listen to the heartbeat, measure your uterus, any questions? check-up so I was surprised when Monica directed me to room #9.  Let’s back up.  I prefer to schedule my appointment for first thing in the morning.  8:30 is perfect.  I’m one of the first patients so there’s virtually no wait.  Sadly, I’m not the only smart one and those appointment disappear.  Quickly.  So yesterday I was scheduled at 12:10.  I also like morning appointments because then I can take A with me and don’t have to arrange childcare.  My appointment yesterday fell right around nap time so I had to take her to my mother-in-laws.  I was called back about 10 minutes after my scheduled time, and Monica came to get me.  This made me slightly nervous since she’s more the head nurse/nurse manager and not one of the normal girls.  My first thought was that they had bad news for me.  Turns out she’s just “attached” to me (my docs words).  Makes me happy and relieved that I’m being taken care of. 🙂

Anyways, I was surprised to be in room #9.  That’s where the ultrasound machine is and I wasn’t scheduled for an u/s yesterday.  Once I entered the room I peeked at the screen and sure enough, there was my name and social security number.  “I’m getting a sono today?” I asked Monica.  “Well, sure, why not?”  she replied.  At this point I was actually really glad the Hubs had tagged along even though I told him he didn’t need to come.  Monica asked me if I still didn’t want to know the sex of Earl.  I’ve lost this battle in my house.  Hubs wants to know and A is convinced it’s a boy.  Since there’s really no compromising on this issue I said sure, we can find out today.  “Well, we already know what it is,” she laughingly said.  She was in the room last time when Dr. A said she spotted the gender and gave us the option of finding out before 12 weeks.  Fast forward, Dr. A comes in, listens to the heartbeat on the doppler and feels my uterus.  I asked her to show me where the top was…no real reason, I’m just curious.  Start the u/s part and baby looks good.  Getting much bigger and we could see the legs all crossed up.  It’s pretty amazing to see how much larger the baby is now after just 4 weeks and to see how little room s/he has to move around.  Sadly, we got no clear look at the gender.  They thought it was a boy at my last appointment (which I know is WAY early to be determining gender…part of the reason I didn’t want to know last time) but this time they said, maybe girl?  Baby was upside down, so to speak, so we were looking from the butt down and the umbilical cord was in the way.  No biggie, I’m scheduled for my anatomy scan in 4 weeks so we’ll hopefully get a much clearer look then.  Either way, I’m happy.  I’m happy today that the baby is healthy and ALIVE.  I told both Dr. A and Monica that the next several weeks were going to be very hard for me.  They both knew and Monica even commented, “we’ll get through it.”  Dr. A encouraged me to come in just to have the heartbeat checked every week from now until my next appointment.  I’m so glad they’re giving me the extra care and attention right now. I’m trying really hard not to be a head-case…especially in front of them…but I really appreciate that out of the hundreds of patients they see, they know me, know my story and are willing to give me some personal, individualized care.  My normally over-confident doctor even admitted that she listened to the heartbeat of her little girl (remember, she’s pregnant too) every day until she started moving consistently.  She also said her baby had a really slow day movement-wise yesterday and it scared the crap out of her.  It’s nice to discover your doctor is also human.

So where we stand right now is everything looks good and is progressing normally.  I’m just crossing my fingers, toes, legs, arms and anything else I can think of that we get through the next few weeks without another tragedy.  Once we get past 19-20 weeks I’ll find something else to obsess about.

We have several pictures, but again, I have NO CLUE what I’m looking at.  This one’s pretty obvious though. 🙂

PG3 US4 Scan 1

12 Week Belly Shot

It’s Friiiiiiday!  And, it’s a long weekend.  The Hubs and I are dropping little A off with my folks tomorrow afternoon and having ourselves a date night!  We’re having Japanese food.  I. can’t. wait.  It’s sounded sooooo good for a few weeks now, hope I still feel that way by tomorrow evening because I fully intend to stuff my face.  On Sunday, we’re headed to the Promised Land of College Station to watch the Aggies beat the hell out of the SMU Mustangs.  We’re looking forward to a good time; and some much needed alone time.  And tailgating.  And lots of beer water.  And football.  And more beer water.  Damn.

I seem to be showing these days.  Although, if need be I can still hide the bulging belly of mine.  Which is good, because the need arises on a regular basis.  Since it’s Friday and I seem to be in a decent mood, I’ve decided to actually post a picture of myself here.  Now, because I seem to be as superstitious as a dirty-jock-strap-wearing-football-player these days I just had to break out the Doppler and listen for the heartbeat before taking this picture.  There it was, chugging away just before little dude/ette gave me strong kick that made an awful squawking noise on the Doppler.  Then dude/ette left and I didn’t feel like playing chase today.  But, I know s/he’s there so I feel confident that I’m not jinxing myself today by posting this picture!

12 week belly shot

11W 3D

I had a wonderful doctor’s appointment on Monday.  I went in expecting another run of the mill, wait forever, be frustrated kind of appointment and was pleasantly surprised.  Since I purchased my Doppler, my anxiety was slightly less since I had been hearing the heartbeat at home, but I was still nervous.  Nervous that the u/s would show the baby wasn’t growing or had developed 4 heads or something.  I entered a fairly empty office…a rare sight for any OB office.  Not necessarily a sign that your wait won’t be extraordinary though.  Trust me.  I’ve seen it happen.  I scheduled the appointment for 9am and at the last minute, decided to leave A at home.  She’s battling a slight cold and I just knew there would be 12 6-week-olds in the waiting room if I took her with me; and as she was hacking up a lung I’d get the evil eye from all the new moms as I tried desperately to convince them it was just allergies.  Fortunately, my mother in law was able to come stay with her while Hubs and I went to the appointment.  I showed up at 8:50 and got called back at 9am.  Things were looking up!  I did the norm, weight (down…normal for me at this point), pee in a cup (uh, barely…I hope they got what they needed!), blood pressure (really good!), undress from the waist down…doc will be in shortly.  Sidebar:  Why can’t they make those paper sheets long enough to wrap all the way around?  I hate leaving my butt crack exposed.  But I digress…

When my doc finally made her way in (she was chatting about something on TMZ with the nurses in the hallway) she handed me a thank you card from sweet Monica.  I sent her chocolate covered strawberries after my minor  major freak out a few weeks ago.  We proceeded with the sono and the first thing out of Dr. A’s mouth was, “Oh, your baby’s so cute!”  I think her pregnancy is making her a big softie.  She turned the screen towards us and we proceeded to watch a very healthy, VERY active little baby dance around for a good 15 minutes or so.  We have tons of pictures, but nothing great since the little thing was moving around so much!  Dr. A pointed out ears, arms, legs, profile shots, skull shots and the umbilical cord.  She even spotted the gender, but I declined.  For 2 reasons:  1) Hubs and I are still not in agreement on finding out.  He wants to know, I kind of want to wait until delivery.  2) I know she’s good, but I’m not even 12 weeks…can she really tell this early?  She seemed confident, and I’ve questioned my decision since Monday, but alas, we’ll be waiting until at least the anatomy scan at 20 weeks.  I was shocked, but happy, that she spent so much time looking around.  She’s NEVER spent that much time on an u/s with me.  She was getting a kick out of how busy the little dude/ette was.  Once she was finished she answered a few questions I had and I talked to her a little about her pregnancy.  She swears she won’t be missing much time from work, 2 weeks at the most…and that’s only if she has to have a C-section.  She’s a trooper.  Or maybe crazy.  I dunno.  But probably crazy.

The best thing I took away from the appointment, aside from a good u/s with good results, was her suggestion of a protein smoothie first thing in the morning.  She said it really helped with her nausea so after our appointment (we were back in the car at 9:35!) we ran by Sprouts and picked up protein powder, berries, frozen fruit and greek yogurt.  I’m on day 2 of morning smoothies and I’m feeling pretty good!  We’ll see if it’s a fluke or if the protein-loading first thing in the morning is helping.  And now, for some pictures!
US 3 Scan 4

US 3 Scan 2

US 3 Scan 1

US 3 Scan 3

How to scare the crap out of a woman who is pregnant (after a loss)…

***DISCLAIMER***

This post may have some graphic content.  You’ve been warned.  Carry on.

If you have ever lost a child or pregnancy, you know where I’m coming from.  If you’ve ever known someone who has lost a child or pregnancy, you kind of know where I’m coming from.  If you’ve never experienced either of these, I’m about to enlighten you.  Bleeding during pregnancy is NEVER a good thing.  It should always be handled with caution.  You are not supposed to bleed when you’re pregnant and if you ever notice blood, you should contact your doctor immediately.  Now, I’m not talking about a scratch on your knee or slicing your finger in the kitchen (which I also did recently, but I digress…).  I’m referring to blood coming from your va.gi.na.  I know all the books say bleeding is common, but that doesn’t make it normal or ok.  Bleeding can is usually indicative of a problem with the pregnancy.  It can also be indicative of the worst…miscarriage.  There are lots of reasons a woman may experience some bleeding during pregnancy but sadly, the only conclusion someone who is pregnant after a loss can come to is that she is miscarrying.

Hubs left town for work Monday afternoon.  He had to be gone for this to happen.  Nothing bad ever happens when he’s home.  We put A to bed at 8 at night.  I’d been feeling particularly bad all day and by 8 o’clock, I was beat.  I had just finished giving her a bath when I realized I needed to pee.  So I sat down and began inspecting my underwear as all pregnant women do.  I immediately noticed the dark spot and broke out into a sweat.  I wiped and inspected the toilet paper (again, as I always do) and saw the brownish color.  But it wasn’t much.  I was wearing dark underwear and thought maybe it wasn’t actually blood so there I sat blotting my undies with the toilet paper trying to determine if it was actually blood I was seeing.  After a few minutes I wiped again and this time, there was no mistaking the brown on the toilet paper.  I was bleeding.  And I freaked.  I frantically put A to bed, said quick prayers with her and called the Hubs.  I couldn’t stop the tears at this point.  I was panicked.  I felt sick, ill and completely hopeless.  You see, I’ve NEVER bled during any of my pregnancies.  I had no idea what was going on, I just knew it was bad.  I was also crampy and especially so in my back.  Now, I’ve been fairly crampy in the evenings during this whole ordeal, but it felt more intense on Monday evening.  Hubs wanted me to go to the ER.  I told him no, that there was nothing they could do, but I would call my doc and speak with the on-call nurse.  I left a message and got a return phone call almost immediately.  From Monica.  Sweet, calm, patient Monica.  (Note:  Send Monica a gift basket today)  In one of my earlier posts I discussed why I didn’t want to switch docs.  The care that I received Monday night and Tuesday is a perfect example of why.  She called me back, called me by my name and knew EXACTLY who I was.  My doc has a HUGE practice and to be known out of hundreds of women makes me feel well cared for.  She asked me to describe the bleeding, asked if I was having cramps, how intense they were, and asked if I’d recently had intercourse.  The answer was yes, but it had been 2 days.  Seemed like a long time to wait to see any bleeding from sex 2 days beforehand; and she agreed.  She told me she wanted to bring me in for a sonogram the next day.  It would make me feel better, it would make my doc feel better and they needed to know where the blood was coming from.  She asked me to call her if I didn’t hear from her by 8:30.  I spent the rest of the evening on the couch.  I googled bleeding in early pregnancy.  You should never google.  It’s never good news that you read.  I had been instructed by the Hubs to let him know whenever I peed.  He wanted to know if I was seeing anymore blood.  Thankfully, I never did, but I did have some pretty bad cramps so not seeing blood wasn’t much comfort.  I slept AWFUL Monday night.  I mean, I’m not sleeping well anyways, but it was AWFUL.  I was terrified.  I was panicked.  I just knew it was over, there was no way this was ending well.

I woke up Tuesday morning with a pounding headache and nausea that was absolutely raging.  I brushed my teeth, gagged on my toothbrush and spent 10 minutes over the toilet dry-heaving.  The phone rang at 8:15 and Monica let me know I had an appt at 10.  I called my mother in law who was going to come and sit with A, and then I called my mom.  I hadn’t called her beforehand.  It just wasn’t worth the conversation since I didn’t really know what was going on.  She was actually off work attending an appointment of her own.  I hung up with her crying on the other end.  Not because she was sad about the possible loss of a 3rd baby, but because she’s tired and frustrated of the pain and agony her own child is going through.  She called back 5 minutes later and told me she cancelled her own appointment and was headed my way.  She was going with me.  At first I refused, I had every intention of doing this alone.  But she insisted.  I told her fine, but she had to stop crying.  She was only allowed to go with me as support; I couldn’t deal with being HER emotional support should we get bad news.

I drove to my appointment alone.  I don’t remember it.  It felt like I was alone, totally alone in the world.  Like there were no other cars on the road at all.  It never crossed my mind that everything could be ok.  Even though I specifically asked Monica that morning if these things ever turned out ok.  She said, absolutely, and the fact that I hadn’t seen any more blood was reassuring.  The truth is, life isn’t fair.  It’s not like, well, I lost the twins so that was my payment.  It doesn’t work that way.  And I was totally prepared to hear that God had taken another child from us.  I sat in the waiting room for what felt like hours.  My mom was stuck in traffic trying to get to me.  When they finally called me back, I thought I was going to throw up and pass out.  Thank God I was seen by a different tech than the one that had to tell me the twins had died.  It seems like a small thing, but even being in a different room gave me comfort.  The tech had me take off my pants and then we sat.  And waited.  It was a huge practice in patience.  The machine was RIGHT THERE.  I could have my answer in SECONDS, but the tech had to catch up on some paperwork and she was honestly giving my mom a few more minutes to arrive.  She asked if this was my first.  I said no, this is actually baby #4.  2 and 3 were twins that we lost around 19 weeks.  Then the sympathy started.  She knew.  I was honest with her that I was completely freaked.  We went ahead and started at this point.  Sonograms at this point are transvaginal.  She inserted the probe and I immediately saw the baby.  My eyes were frantically searching the screen for the flicker of a heartbeat or movement of any kind from the baby, but before I could find it she said, oh yeah, I see a heart beat!  Cue the tears, for the 2nd time.  I’m laying there, feet in stirrups, ultrasound probe still in me and I’m texting the Hubs.  He was stuck in training in Minnesota.  All I could get out was a text that said “Baby’s ok.”  The tech took some measurements, and then looked around for the source of the bleed.  Baby was measuring right on time (9 weeks, 4 days) and had a healthy (and steady) heart beat of 183!  She even pointed out tiny arms!  She said my cervix was nice and long and CLOSED.  Which is what they want to see.  I told her I was feeling more intense pain on my right side so she looked at my ovaries, but they were perfectly fine.  She couldn’t find any blood in my uterus, good news!  She noted, however, the placenta was completely covering the cervix.  This is something that normally corrects itself as the baby/uterus grows.  My mom showed up as soon as she was done.  It didn’t matter though since the baby was totally fine.  I gave Mary, the tech, a big hug before we left.  You see, she’s my new favorite person.

I headed downstairs to my docs office and since my doc does surgery and rounds on Tuesday’s, she wasn’t there.  So I saw Monica.  And gave her a big hug.  She took one look at the sono pics and diagnosed me with Placenta Previa.  Normally not a big deal, but since I’ve had bleeding (from the sex…because of the placenta previa) they want to avoid any further bleeding.  I’ve been placed on pelvic rest (no se.x) for the next 2 weeks at least when I have another appointment scheduled.  Monica said I’ll probably be on pelvic rest until 16 or 18 weeks, or until the placenta moves out of the way.  It kind of sucks, but it’s a small price to pay to get this baby here safely and healthy.  They went ahead and gave me a Rhogam shot since I’m Rh negative.  Just in case there’s any bleeding inside the uterus that may transfer to the baby; they don’t want to risk my body trying to abort the pregnancy since the 2 blood types aren’t compatible.  BIG SIGH OF RELIEF.  I spent the rest of the afternoon lying around.  I’ll probably spend the next 2 weeks lying around.  I’ll ask my doc for more specifics on restrictions when I see her in 2 weeks, but I’m not taking any chances.  The truth is, just because everything was fine yesterday, it doesn’t mean everything will be fine tomorrow.  I’m already considered high-risk and now I’ve had bleeding.  I’ll be monitored very closely.  Today I’m really thankful I’ve got great medical care and thankful for my uber-supportive family.  I was really thankful to have my mom here yesterday.  And she kept her promise, she wasn’t emotional at all.  I’ve ordered a fetal doppler which should arrive today.  It may seem slightly obsessive, but I’m looking forward to being able to listen to the heartbeat whenever I want.  Fingers crossed and lots of prayers that everything continues to progress normally!

WM US #2

Monday Again?

Well, hello there Monday. Where the hell did you come from? Last time I checked, it was Friday. I can’t wait for football season to start in a few short weeks. It gives us an excuse to sit on our butts all weekend and not leave the house. Plus, football season generally means cooler temps. Ahhhhh, imagine the possibilities.

So, my morning sickness has set in. Full force. I can’t believe that just 2 short weeks ago I was feeling pretty good and thinking I just might have a chance at getting through this pregnancy without the ickies. No such luck. In fact, I think I’m going to pick up some sea bands today. I’ve heard of several ladies that have had luck with them when nothing else works. Strangely enough, the bag of gummy worms I had for dinner last night actually made me feel pretty good. Note to self: buy more gummy worms.

I’m a member of an online community and there are a few things being said that make me want to punch the computer. For example: “A little bit of bleeding is totally normal! Don’t worry about it!” No, it’s not. Call your doctor. Or this gem; “As long as you’re not cramping or bleeding, everything is fine!” Mmmm, try again. Also not true and bad advice. And my personal favorite; “The morning (all day) sickness means the pregnancy is going well!” Again, not true. Not true at all.

With the twins I was still experiencing morning (all day) sickness and never had cramping or bleeding. And things were not fine. Things were not fine at all. This is why I don’t take much solace in the fact that I’m experiencing a whole multitude of pg symptoms at the moment.

We were able to share the news with my family yesterday. They were happy for us, I think everyone is cautious. Hopefully the excitement will set in as time moves on. The Hubs and I are still discussing if we’re going to find out the gender of this baby or not. I’ve always been the type to want to know, in fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve made the comment before that I find it downright stupid NOT to find out. For some reason though, there’s part of me that wants to wait until delivery with this baby. I think it’s because it just really doesn’t matter. We want a healthy baby that we get to bring home this time. Boy or girl…doesn’t matter, I’ll be thrilled either way. I also think there’s part of me that wonders if this isn’t our last baby, so I don’t want to have any regrets. We’re still discussing it, so no decisions yet. The one decision we have made is to keep our name choices to ourselves until the baby is born. It just seems fun.

Hubs has been home this week, and leaves town for a few days tomorrow. I guess, in a way, things will go back to normal. I will now attempt to peel myself out of bed and do something productive. And try to keep the pukies away.

Well, would you look at that!

I’ve been slightly MIA for a few days, mostly due to a little thing known as life. I’m sure you, too, can understand how it sometimes gets in the way. Nothing particularly earth shattering has happened, we’ve just been busy. Too busy. It’s all self-imposed. We can’t help ourselves. We traveled to the Promised Land on Saturday to visit Hubs’ grandparents. They truly don’t care about seeing us (that’s not entirely true) they just count on us to transport the wee one. While I think it’s truly important for A to know as much of her family as possible, the fact that they live 3 hours away makes it challenging. Oh well. It was a nice, successful trip and it’s always nice to feel welcome and loved. We spent last night at the circus. That was fun. No, really, it was! There’s nothing better than seeing your kid’s face light up when they experience something you’ve forgotten was extraordinary. I find myself often wishing I could view the world through the eyes of my child. What an amazing place this must be without the fear and worry that adults have to account for.  Things like gas prices, debt ceilings and 401K’s and 529’s.  But I digress…

The rest of our spare time has been taken up completing long overdue projects around our house. Something about the impending arrival of another baby has me chomping at the bit to get stuff done. I made some major changes to our utility room a few weeks ago and the finishing touches are finally being placed on our dining room that we built, ahem, a year ago. Insert embarrassment here. I think it must be some form of nesting that I’m experiencing but either way, love the new utility room and I just may have somewhere to host a houseful of people for Christmas this year!

Now, on to the title of my post. I had my first ultrasound this morning. It was scheduled for 9am. We got home around 11am. We live 15 minutes away. It appears the appointment that was made for me was never saved in the system so I was basically worked in this morning. I’m glad they didn’t try to reschedule me. There was NO WAY I was leaving that office today without an ultrasound; and I was prepared to tell them so. I already had the speech worked out in my head. My doctor knew I was nervous…probably because I couldn’t stop shaking. I like her. A lot. I’ve had several people tell me they think I should switch doctors and honestly, the thought has also occurred to me. Not because I necessarily feel like she did anything wrong, just to avoid the bad juju I now associate with the office. The truth is though, it’s nice that the nurses are more sensitive towards me and my doc confirmed today that she didn’t forget what happened, she knew exactly what she was walking into when she opened the door to the exam room. I appreciate that. I did catch her off guard when I started crying though…I’m apparently one of her “unemotional” patients so when I get emotional “things get weird”. I don’t need sunshine and puppy dogs from my doctor. I don’t expect her to hug me and cry with me…that’s what friends and family are for. She’s in no way cold, and she doesn’t have a poor bedside manner. And she’s smart. Confident. And I trust her. And she’s sensitive enough to my fears and needs to accommodate them. For example, even though not necessary, she’s bringing me back in 4 weeks for an additional sono just to make sure everything is still on track. She flat-out told me she’d do whatever I wanted meaning if I wanted a sono every week from now until 12 weeks or so, fine. After that the baby gets too big and she has to send me upstairs to the sono suite…cue out of pocket payments if there’s no medical need for the sono. So all in all, I’m satisfied with her care. I did tell the Hubs that I reserved the right to change my mind if I started feeling awkward about being in her office. He promptly asked how that was any different from anything else in life. Smart ass.

So the truth is,I’m not as relieved as I thought I would be. I mean, if I’m being TOTALLY honest, I didn’t expect there to be a heartbeat at all. Perhaps I’m still in shock. I’m thrilled that there’s a (just 1 this time!) 7 week 3 day babe growing inside of me with a healthy heart rate of 150 bpm. But, I’m still scared. I think I will be until I get past the point I was when I lost the twins. Feeling movement will be nice too. A little reminder that (hopefully) everything is ok. And I think I’ll be purchasing a doppler. That way I can check for the heartbeat at home anytime I want. From what I’ve read, some women are able to pick up a heartbeat as early as 9 weeks! That’s just crazy.

It also appears we’re telling my in-laws and sis-in-law (I love her, by the way. I haven’t talked much about her yet…I need to do that) tonight at dinner. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Part of me wants to wait until March and be like, oh, by the way, we had another baby. But that’s unrealistic…or so I’m told. I’m hoping they’ll be happy. I’m hoping they’ll be thrilled, actually. But I’m fearful that they will be cautious and guarded, just like I am. I want to think of something creative to do to tell them. If I don’t, I’ll feel like this baby is already getting the short end of the stick!

But anyways, here’s proof positive that the pee sticks didn’t lie! And PS: I think this one’s a boy 😉

WM Baby #4 Photo 1