I’m starting to believe…

No, not in Tim Tebow.  I was already a believer in Tebow…but I digress.

I’m starting to believe these fortune cookie fortunes are more than just coincidence.  Now, I’m a smart person.  I know these fortunes are mass-produced and randomly stuck into fortune cookies, shipped all over the world and there is no rhyme or reason to who gets what.  But I dunno, I kind of like believing in a higher power that works through something as simple as a fortune cookie to remind people to stay on track; stay the course…to remind them of their goals and dreams.  After my last post about my New Year’s fortune, Hubs finally opened his this weekend.  Now, if you’ve been following along at all, you know that the Hubs and I have some big plans.  That’s why his fortune kind of gave me goosebumps.

fortune 2

If you’re interested…here’s the long version of why this particular fortune is so cool.

I’m feeling somewhat melancholy today.  Hubs’ travel schedule has been fairly light since about Thanksgiving.  He’s traveled some, but not much.  He’s also had quite a bit of time off work and we’ve spent a lot of time together as a family.  He left today on the first trip of MANY over the next month and a half.  I knew it was coming and I understand why he has to put in so much travel right now, but it’s still hard.  It’s always hardest to have him leave when he’s been home for a while.  It takes me some time to re-adjust to being alone.  In addition, I’m feeling slightly anxious about adding a new baby.  I’ve treated this pregnancy as an after thought much of the time.  Partly out of fear, partly out of necessity since I have another child to care for.  We’ve been working like crazy to get A moved into her new room.  It’s coming together but still isn’t done and in the process I’ve completely destroyed the nursery.  Just walking past the room makes me nervous because it’s in SUCH disarray.  Not that Baby C will care what her room looks like, but I’d really like for it to be done before she gets here.

I’m starting to experience some sadness about A not being an only child anymore too.  I don’t think that helps my feelings regarding the heavy travel schedule; it just adds to my desire to have my family home.  Together, and close by.  I keep trying to tell myself giving her a sibling is an awesome gift, but I’m not sure I can fathom life with more than just her.  I’m not worried about loving another child, or having room in my heart for another child, I just find myself unable to grasp the concept of another child in this house.  The logistics are mind-boggling.  It’s been just me and A for so long, I know so much about her and I am able to devote so much of myself to her.  I know that just won’t be possible once Baby C gets here and it makes me sad.  I wish it didn’t, it feels like I’m doing Baby C a disservice and she’s not even here yet.  Makes me want to really dig in and savor these last weeks with just A.

I find myself worrying about silly things.  Getting upset about situations that haven’t even come to fruition.  I’m feeling fearful about the safety of Hubs and A…given the events that play out in my head you’d think I watch too much Lifetime TV, but I don’t.  Not at all actually.  I know it’s the hormones, but it makes me feel like a crazy person.  I’m doing better believing that Baby C will make a safe arrival, but I still have moments of sheer panic that send me running walking quickly usually kind of limping (since my feet and legs constantly fall asleep) for a glass of water or frantically tapping my belly to get some movement out of her.  As we start to make strides towards ACTUALLY getting our home ready for another baby I can’t help but wonder, what if?  I put off doing pretty much anything until after Christmas.  I just wasn’t confident enough to get anything started.  I fully believe tragedy can strike again.  I had such a hard time ordering my glider last week.  The last time I placed an order for furniture, I had to send my mom to the store the next day to un-order said furniture.  To top it all off, I have more contractions each day than I care to admit.  I know they’re normal.  I know they don’t “mean” anything.  But it’s still nerve-wracking.  I never had early contractions with A, so this is fairly new territory.  I plan to mention it to my doc at my appointment on Friday.  I’ll be 32 weeks.  I’m aware that if Baby C were to show up now, her chances of survival are very good, but we’d obviously be dealing with a long stint in the NICU.  I’d like to avoid it and I just keep telling myself, despite the daily contractions, she’s not coming until March.

On a lighter note, since it’s Tuesday, and I pretty much ALWAYS go to Target on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s, I had to laugh at my purchases today.  1 box of mac and cheese for A.  1 box of shells and cheese for me.  1 frozen cheese pizza for us to share.  1 box of individual deep dish cheese pizzas for me.  1 bag of sour cream and onion potato chips.  And 1 box of maxi pads for, uh, various reasons.  I was embarrassed as I checked out.  I’m still slightly embarrassed, but only slightly.

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24 Weeks

Ahhh, home sweet home.  There really just isn’t anything quite like coming home.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy traveling.  To nice places.  With my husband…sometimes my kiddo.  Traveling to someplace that caters to me, makes my bed every day, picks up my messes and basically demands I do nothing but relax and enjoy.  I think we all know holiday travel meets none of the former criteria.

We’ve made it home safe and sound after a whirl-wind trip to College Station for Thanksgiving and for the football game.  We had a fine time, I especially enjoyed Wednesday.  Hubs was nice enough to run me by the local camera shop and I was able to purchase a brand new 50mm/f1.8 lens to use while we were gone.  I had originally intended to purchase the 50mm/f1.4 but I HADN’T originally intended to drop my camera forcing me into replacing my kit lens.  So, I opted for the lens that was still a major improvement but about $300 cheaper than my original intention.  My next purchase will be made soon, I just don’t know when.  Also, I’ll be replacing my camera body when (WARNING:  Following words may be offensive to some) I can budget (AHHHH!) and save-up (GASP!) for the pricey piece of equipment.  Anyways, we finally headed out-of-town around noon (our goal was 10ish…eye roll) and once we made it into town, had a ball.  Purchased some new Aggie swag (because we can never have enough), took a little tour around campus, watched little A run and have the time of her life around said campus and she was a trooper and even stuck it out for Yell Practice.  She even got to pet Reveille.  I got it on video; she doesn’t realize it now, but that’s a very special thing.  I ended up sleeping with A while Hubs slept in the twin bed in another room.  I hate, hate, hate finally being in the same city as my husband and not sharing a bed with him.  BUT, I felt awful asking A to spend the night alone in a strange place.  I knew she’d be scared.  I slept ok until about 4am when she started squirming around.  Thanksgiving Day proved to be the chaotic and frantic day I predicted it would be…lots of stories I will share with you shortly.  I’m sure you all have stories of your own.  Thursday night was a late one for Hubs and I and when the 2 of us finally crawled into bed with A, we were absolutely beat.  Needless to say, 3 people in a double bed didn’t work very well.  I finally kicked Hubs out around 3am so at least he could get some zzzzzz’s.  I don’t think it happened thanks to his grandmother that insists on rising at 4am and the neighbors roosters, but I digress…Around 3am my child woke up crying and BEGGING to go home.  Cue heartbreak.  She was awake, and so was I, for a few hours.  We hauled butt out of there as soon as we could this morning.  Pulled into our driveway about 1pm, had A in bed for a nap around 1:30 and Hubs and I also crashed for a few hours.  I actually JUST NOW took that shower I’ve been needing since last night.  The Christmas decorations we were going to get started on today are waiting until tomorrow.  I’m absolutely beat, and my body aches thanks to the massive amounts of walking I’ve done over the past few days.  Also, I wanted to take A to a parade tonight but I just couldn’t muster the energy…and the other 2 members of my family seemed more than ok with it but I’m still slightly bummed to have missed it.  So, all in all, a good time was had, but I am so very thankful to be home.  The dogs are happy to be home too.  They stayed with the vet and all 3 of them are absolutely passed out right now.  In fact, I don’t even know where Maggie is, I haven’t seen her since she got home.  They always come home tired…I don’t think they sleep well away from home either.

In other news, today is 24 weeks, which means that if Earl(ette) had to be delivered, she has a chance of survival outside the womb.  Things look much more promising in terms of her survival each week that passes, but there is a slight, and I mean very slight comfort in knowing that she has a chance.  24 weeks also means I have a self-imposed ban on travel until after her safe arrival.  We’re lucky enough to live in an area with several Level 3 NICU’s and I don’t plan to be more than about 10 minutes away from one until after she’s born.  I’m sure that gets me a few eye rolls but, eh, I don’t really care.

So, I promise to be back to play out the hilarious and unbelievable details of our Thanksgiving holiday.  In the meantime, I’m going to plant myself on the couch and watch some mindless tv.  A good night’s sleep is in order for all the decorating that has to take place tomorrow and Sunday.  I’ll leave you with my 24-week self-portrait taken yesterday.  I’m not actually as large as I appear in this photo, but I thought it was cute none-the-less.

24 week belly shot

I can’t seem to name this baby…

Last Friday did not disappoint in its promise to be filled with emotions.  My inability to stop crying after leaving the doctor’s office with the best possible news was a testament to the pent-up stress and worry I’ve been carrying since July.  The weekend brought with it the stress that one feels when one realizes OH MY GOD WE HAVE A NEW BABY COMING AND I’VE WASTED HALF MY TIME BEING WORRIED AND OH MY GOD HOW AM I GOING TO GET EVERYTHING DONE AND OH HOLY CRAP WE PROBABLY DON’T EVEN HAVE 20 FULL WEEKS BECAUSE A WAS 2 WEEKS EARLY AND THEY SAY THE 2ND (4TH) ONE COMES EARLIER AND I KNOW WE DON’T NEED A TON OF STUFF BUT WE STILL NEED SOME STUFF AND I DON’T WANT TO WAIT UNTIL AFTER SHE’S BORN BECAUSE THEN I’LL BE DOING EVERYTHING WITH A TODDLER AND AN INFANT AND OH MY GOD THERE’S STILL THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS TO DEAL WITH.  So, alas, here I am, 6 days out from my BIG doctor’s appointment and I’m not feeling the magical release I was hoping to feel that would remain for the duration of this pregnancy (I didn’t really expect it to happen, but I was slightly hopeful).  And I can’t seem to name this baby.  Names are important to me, and it is also important to me to have a name quickly so that I/we are able to call this baby by name.  The problem is, the last time we FINALLY decided upon names, our babies died a few days later.  I feel like once I name this little girl I’ve started the beginning of the end.  I suppose she already has a name; I do believe, after all, that God knows us before we are even formed in the womb so it really doesn’t matter that we haven’t decided upon or discovered her name yet.  If she already has one, the act of us actually making a decision isn’t going to affect the outcome of this pregnancy at all.  Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself.  If I’m being honest with you, I think she already has a name.  There’s one I tossed out a few days ago and just as easily as A’s name was decided upon, this one went over well and meets all of our requirements.  Hubs liked it and even came back a few days later to tell me he’d been thinking about it, and really liked it.  I think he’s ready to commit, I’m not.

In addition to the naming conundrum…I can’t buy anything.  I want to, badly.  I at least purchased her a tiny sock monkey doll so she’ll have SOMETHING we’ve given her at the hospital.  It was one of my biggest regrets with the twins…to not have anything to give them, to put in their bassinet, that we had purchased for them.  But I don’t feel the joy and excitement one should feel purchasing teeny-tiny baby items and I still feel a lot of fear.  I think my defense mechanisms are working overtime.  If I don’t buy anything, then I won’t get so attached.  I don’t want it to be that way.  I want to go out, happen upon some toy, blanket or piece of clothing and feel that tug to purchase it for MY little girl.  To have that quick mental image of her wearing it or playing with it.  I have a whole list of items I want to purchase and I probably need to start getting at least a few, but I’m just still so scared.  Even though I feel her move daily, it’s not constant.  She’ll have REALLY active days then be fairly quiet for several days which leaves me constantly shaking my belly to wake her or darting to my room for a quick doppler check.  I’m so sad for the loss of innocence about pregnancy.  I would love to go out shopping, blissfully unaware of the potential tragedies that are experienced everyday.  I would love to make purchases lovingly and not make purchases with the thought, “Gosh, I really hope she gets to use this.”

I have an unexpected “day off” today.  Hubs will be out pretty late tonight for a meeting, so he hung around and took A to school.  My mother-in-law called yesterday and wanted to pick her up from school and keep her for a few hours.  So basically, I have until 5ish all to myself and I don’t even have to cook dinner thanks to some yummy left over beef stew in the fridge.  It actually worked out great.  I have several errands to run and a few things to do around the house.  I ordered most of A’s Christmas presents yesterday off Amazon and need to pick up one more thing for her today.  I have NO CLUE what I’m going to do with all the boxes once they arrive.  NO CLUE.  I need to run to the post office, purchase several birthday gifts for parties this weekend and I’m sure I’ll go to Target.  I always go to Target.  Also on my agenda for the day…order baby bedding.

Results

It’s been a challenging 24 hours.  I almost wrote about it yesterday, but I was getting kind of tired of myself so, I didn’t.  I didn’t sleep well last night.  First, I was up late.  Damn ball game.  Then it was cold.  And once I woke up this morning around 6:30, there was no going back to sleep.  I couldn’t stop shaking, my stomach was in knots and no matter how much I told myself to calm the eff down, it didn’t work.  My defense mechanisms have been working overtime to prepare me for the worst possible news; I’ve been there…it does happen.

My appointment was at 8:30.  First one of the day.  Of course, the tech was late.  Blah.  And while very nice, proceeded to inform me she wouldn’t be able to give me any results…I would have to wait for my doctor to review the scans.  Thankfully I was already scheduled to visit my doc right after the ultrasound.  She was aware of my history, I made sure to tell her first thing that I was totally freaked out.  That all I cared to hear was that my baby was healthy…

I’ve been crying since I left the doctor’s office, I can’t seem to get the tears to stop.  Surprisingly, I haven’t done a ton of crying during this pregnancy so far, I guess I’ve been saving it up.

It’s a girl.

And y’all…she’s perfectly healthy.

It's a Girl!

19 weeks

19 weeks. I’m 19 weeks today, people. This is a big deal…I’m officially to/past the point I was with the twins. Do I feel better? Not really, but the tons of movement I felt when I woke up this morning did put a smile on my face. I’m pretty sure it was hiccups too. A had them constantly when I was pregnant with her. My big anatomy scan is 1 week away and I’m crossing all my crossables that all looks 100% healthy. Maybe I can relax after thar, but probably not.

I have it in my head to take some belly shots during all my free time this weekend (snort) so we can all admire my halfway-point belly. In other news, I’d been feeling fine but I’m feeling slightly nauseous today…probably thanks to those late night skittles. A and I are going to attempt the Halloween event at our zoo once she gets up from her nap and then I’m getting a much needed girls night out with my sister-in-law that includes a massage and dinner and whatever other antics we can come up with.

15W 3D

I was scheduled for a normal OB check-up yesterday at 15 weeks and 3 days.  It was exactly 4 weeks from my last appointment.  I was expecting the typical weight, pee in a cup, blood pressure, listen to the heartbeat, measure your uterus, any questions? check-up so I was surprised when Monica directed me to room #9.  Let’s back up.  I prefer to schedule my appointment for first thing in the morning.  8:30 is perfect.  I’m one of the first patients so there’s virtually no wait.  Sadly, I’m not the only smart one and those appointment disappear.  Quickly.  So yesterday I was scheduled at 12:10.  I also like morning appointments because then I can take A with me and don’t have to arrange childcare.  My appointment yesterday fell right around nap time so I had to take her to my mother-in-laws.  I was called back about 10 minutes after my scheduled time, and Monica came to get me.  This made me slightly nervous since she’s more the head nurse/nurse manager and not one of the normal girls.  My first thought was that they had bad news for me.  Turns out she’s just “attached” to me (my docs words).  Makes me happy and relieved that I’m being taken care of. 🙂

Anyways, I was surprised to be in room #9.  That’s where the ultrasound machine is and I wasn’t scheduled for an u/s yesterday.  Once I entered the room I peeked at the screen and sure enough, there was my name and social security number.  “I’m getting a sono today?” I asked Monica.  “Well, sure, why not?”  she replied.  At this point I was actually really glad the Hubs had tagged along even though I told him he didn’t need to come.  Monica asked me if I still didn’t want to know the sex of Earl.  I’ve lost this battle in my house.  Hubs wants to know and A is convinced it’s a boy.  Since there’s really no compromising on this issue I said sure, we can find out today.  “Well, we already know what it is,” she laughingly said.  She was in the room last time when Dr. A said she spotted the gender and gave us the option of finding out before 12 weeks.  Fast forward, Dr. A comes in, listens to the heartbeat on the doppler and feels my uterus.  I asked her to show me where the top was…no real reason, I’m just curious.  Start the u/s part and baby looks good.  Getting much bigger and we could see the legs all crossed up.  It’s pretty amazing to see how much larger the baby is now after just 4 weeks and to see how little room s/he has to move around.  Sadly, we got no clear look at the gender.  They thought it was a boy at my last appointment (which I know is WAY early to be determining gender…part of the reason I didn’t want to know last time) but this time they said, maybe girl?  Baby was upside down, so to speak, so we were looking from the butt down and the umbilical cord was in the way.  No biggie, I’m scheduled for my anatomy scan in 4 weeks so we’ll hopefully get a much clearer look then.  Either way, I’m happy.  I’m happy today that the baby is healthy and ALIVE.  I told both Dr. A and Monica that the next several weeks were going to be very hard for me.  They both knew and Monica even commented, “we’ll get through it.”  Dr. A encouraged me to come in just to have the heartbeat checked every week from now until my next appointment.  I’m so glad they’re giving me the extra care and attention right now. I’m trying really hard not to be a head-case…especially in front of them…but I really appreciate that out of the hundreds of patients they see, they know me, know my story and are willing to give me some personal, individualized care.  My normally over-confident doctor even admitted that she listened to the heartbeat of her little girl (remember, she’s pregnant too) every day until she started moving consistently.  She also said her baby had a really slow day movement-wise yesterday and it scared the crap out of her.  It’s nice to discover your doctor is also human.

So where we stand right now is everything looks good and is progressing normally.  I’m just crossing my fingers, toes, legs, arms and anything else I can think of that we get through the next few weeks without another tragedy.  Once we get past 19-20 weeks I’ll find something else to obsess about.

We have several pictures, but again, I have NO CLUE what I’m looking at.  This one’s pretty obvious though. 🙂

PG3 US4 Scan 1

Confidence? What’s that?

My confidence levels regarding this pregnancy have been less than stellar lately.  I think I know why.  Part of it is mental and physical exhaustion.  I had been feeling slightly better and then Earl, up to his usual tricks, decided that wasn’t good enough.  The past several days have left me feeling constantly queasy, headachey, crampy and generally crappy about myself.  Brushing my teeth is a constant challenge as I seem to find myself gagging on my toothbrush, dry-heaving or hurling into the bathroom sink.  Sigh.  I’m thinking I may start taking 1 Benadryl at bedtime.  When I was taking one a few weeks ago for some sinus stuff, I seemed to feel better in the mornings.  I’m just so hesitant to take too much medicine.  I take a lot of Tylenol.  The headaches are excruciating.  I know what I’m taking is deemed “safe” but I’m just not convinced, especially since we don’t know exactly what killed the twins.  I mean, we’re about 95% sure, but that 5% leaves my mind making up a lot of other possibilities.  The other problem as of late is the point I’m at in this pregnancy.  I’m almost 14 1/2 weeks.  Twice recently I’ve had trouble locating Earl’s heartbeat.  Cue panic.  The first time he was LOW…like down below my pelvic bone.  The second time he was way off to the left-hand side.  Let’s talk about my last pregnancy for a moment.  At the u/s for the twins at 14 1/2 weeks, everything was fine.  Exactly 4 weeks later, at 18 1/2 weeks, they were gone.  The doc said they only measured about 16 1/2 weeks and I delivered them at exactly 19 weeks.  So, the next 6 weeks or so of this pregnancy will mostly be a mental game.  I have no reason to believe anything will go wrong with this pregnancy at this point.  My doc has assured me over and over again that what happened to the twins was BECAUSE THEY WERE TWINS THAT SHARED A PLACENTA.  Still…….We still haven’t told very many people about this baby.  Hubs brought it up yesterday and I told him I’m still not ready.  Honestly, the longer I go hiding it, the more I want to just start showing up to events with an infant.  That obviously won’t work.  At least not on everyone.  I think I need to get past the 20 week anatomy scan.  It gets me past the point I was with the twins and it’s a very detailed look at Earl and can determine if everything looks ok.  I did feel slightly bad this weekend.  We went to a birthday party for one of A’s friends and then I attended a party for a friend.  I was surrounded by people who would have been happy for me and supportive no matter the outcome of this pregnancy, but I’m still not ready yet.  Hubs tells me I don’t owe anyone an explanation, and he’s probably right.

On the other hand, I find myself preparing for the birth of this baby.  I’ll be thinking about things in my head and all of a sudden realize, “Stop it!  What if something happens!  You’ll feel ridiculous for making these plans!”  Hubs said yesterday that what would be really irresponsible would be to get to 35 weeks and have no plans at all.  Again, he’s probably right.  I’m thinking of hiring a doula for this birth.  A’s birth was fine, but I can’t help but think that maybe I would have had a better first year if the very beginning wasn’t so freakin’ traumatic.  At my 37 week appointment, I was dilated to a 3.  I had no idea.  No contractions, nothing.  I was both thrilled and scared.  My mom had been telling me constantly that my labor would be lightning fast because that’s how she was with both me and my sister.  Hubs was out of town…LA to be exact.  My doc said I’d be fine, there was no reason for him to rush home.  Then she asked again when he’d be coming home.  She wasn’t 100% confident either it seemed.  At 38 weeks I started having regular, timeable contractions.  They lasted all day.  They were timeable all day long.  At 9pm we called L&D to tell them I was contracting, but they weren’t particularly painful and didn’t seem to be gaining in intensity.  They advised me to come in and get checked.  The ended up admitting me due to the fact I had tested positive for Group B Strep and would need several bags of Penicillin through my IV before I delivered.  I contracted on and off all night and was basically induced the next morning.  She was born at 4:46pm that day after 2 1/2 hours of pushing.  She was face-up and it took my doctor coming in (no one bothered to tell her I had been pushing for so long and she was rather pissed when she found out), spending 15 minutes with me, manually rotating her and out she came.  The truth is, I had been hooked up to an IV for almost 24 hours at that point, been given Stadol to help me sleep and had an epidural that slipped out at one point.  I was exhausted, over-whelmed, emotional and we had nursing issues from the beginning.  She was jaundiced…which made her sleepy and uninterested in nursing…and I think the jaundice was partly from the distress of being stuck in my pelvis for 2 1/2 hours.  I didn’t know what I was doing.  Hubs didn’t know what he was doing.  He did all the work after she was born since I was basically immobile.  He changed all the diapers, brought her to me to feed, swaddled her, undressed and redressed her.  Ugh…it wasn’t terrible, but it’s just not an experience I wish to have again if I can help it.  I don’t want an induction.  This time around, I’d like to stay home as long as possible.  I really don’t want the pitocin, I don’t see why it would be necessary if you go into labor on your own.  I’m MUCH less scared of the pain this time around.  I’m not against an epidural, but I don’t want one right away like last time.  I’ve been reading up on doulas and I like the idea of someone catering to ME.  Someone supporting me and Hubs.  Someone there to help ease the transition once the baby is born.  Someone who is dedicated to me for several hours after the birth to help with nursing.  (Sidebar: I ended up nursing A for a year, but it was HARD, so HARD in the beginning because of the jaundice.)  Someone who is dedicated to making sure I’m ok, that my needs are met, before, during and after delivery.  Someone who is level-headed, unemotional, and is able to take control emotionally and point us in the right direction.  Also, my last encounter with L&D at that hospital was with the twins.  I suspect there will be some deep-seated emotions that rear their ugly heads and I’d rather tell the story to my doula once and not have to tell every nurse that I meet.  I dunno, I ran it by Hubs the other day and he seems receptive, we just need to talk about it a little bit more.  I think both of us recognize we’d like a different experience this time around and this may be a way to achieve that.  I also found myself looking at bedding sets yesterday.  I’m starting to panic slightly since we have to completely re-do the guest room for A, get her moved and then re-do the nursery for Earl.  We’ve done nothing.  Nothing.  And I’m starting to feel that time is getting away from us.  Especially since the holidays are right around the corner.

I’ve been feeling really blah about myself lately.  I know it’s because I don’t feel good.  But, I also think it’s time for me to put some pampering on the agenda.  I’m so far overdue for a pedicure it’s almost humorous.  I could also use a manicure.  I usually get them every 6-8 weeks, just to keep my cuticles trimmed.  Other than that, I keep my nails short.  In addition though, a spa day sounds so lovely.  A nice facial and massage…ahhh.  And a bikini wax.  Not so much of an “ahhh” experience but a necessary one.  I’m going to work on this and see what I can come up with.

The Latest and Greatest…

I figured it was time for one of those random updates.  Truthfully, we haven’t had a ton going on.  I feel like we’re in a holding pattern of sorts for another week or so.  A starts preschool again in a few weeks.  Perfect timing too because she’s climbing the walls around the house.  Morning sickness is still lurking around here and it’s all I can do to lay on the couch, let the dogs out a few times a day and keep the kiddo and myself fed and hydrated.  I’m still holding my breath anytime I have to open the fridge.  Same thing with the freezer.  Did you know freezers can stink?  It’s specifically a flavored coffee we purchased right before the m/s started.  I can feel myself turning green just thinking about it.  I can barely stand to look at the dishes…clean or dirty.  Opening the dishwasher makes me gag.  Our den smells horrific to me and makes me want to hurl.  My house is a general disaster (by my standards anyways) and needs a complete dusting of EVERY surface.  Then everything needs to be dusted again.  We have 3 dogs ya know.  Add to that the insane heat we’re having and well, it’s ugly.  Thankfully my kiddo is as big of a couch potato as I am and is usually pretty content watching episode after episode of Curious George and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  She’s also a BIG fan of Bubble Guppies…but that’s reserved for bedtime only.  At least for now.

The Hubs is home this week.  It’s been really nice to have him around.  After a stern talking-to a few weeks ago he’s really stepped up and I am so very grateful for his help with everything around the house and with little A.  He’s been a real trooper totally picking up my slack (er, especially since I’m on pelvic rest and all).  I think he feels sorry for me.  He heard me heaving this morning while brushing my teeth.  Oh well.  It seems this pregnancy is progressing nicely.  I guess.  I’ve been able to locate the heartbeat with my Doppler each time I’ve tried (which may or may not be daily, I’ll never tell).  Seems strong and steady to me, but hey, what do I know.  I realize things could still go terribly wrong (and I still seem to have moments of panic and terror each day) but I’m starting to have just a tad bit more confidence about this baby.  I’ve developed quite the belly, although if its baby or bloat still remains undecided.  Either way, the most comfortable clothing right now is pajamas.  And thankfully, the dogs and the kid don’t seem to mind.  According to one of the calendars I look at, the baby is the size of a prune this week, from head to rump.  Next week, it’s supposed to be the size of a plum; which I find somewhat ironic since a prune is a dried plum…but I digress…

I have literally nothing going on in my life these days.  That’s not entirely true, my weekends are pretty full, but if Hubs keeps asking me what I have planned for the day I’m going to be forced to start lying to him.  I just don’t really have the capacity to be gallivanting all over the city right now.  Any movement releases the nausea demons in my stomach.  Add that to the heat outside and well, it’s just a flat-out UGLY combination.  I sweat a lot these days and just look downright pathetic.  A few more weeks is what I keep telling myself.  I’m still not sure what happens in a few weeks…My biggest plan for today was to call my friend.  And perhaps put on a bra.  I’ve made the phone call.  Doubt I’ll get around to donning a bra…what’s the point, really?  And to be fair, the day started out rough when I woke up with a migraine.

We’re headed out-of-town this weekend.  Just a quick day trip to Bryan, TX to attend Hubs’ grandpa’s bday party.  It’s a fun time every year since his whole family shows up.  It’s really the only time we see most of them and now we get to watch A play with all the other kiddos.  I have painstakingly chosen (ok, fine, by chosen I mean bought) a dress that completely covers my belly so no one will suspect a thing.  My sister-in-law keeps telling me no one would notice.  I can’t decide if she’s just being nice or if maybe I’ve been a little chunkier  than I realized.  All I know is that when I’m checking out my profile I can no longer suck in my gut.  That’s new.  That’s baby.  I mean, it IS my 3rd pregnancy.  And to be honest, I realize it’s slightly insane to be so intent on NO ONE KNOWING, but I just don’t want to talk about it.  So, I’ll hide it while I can.  I think I’m afraid of the judgement from people who might think we tried too soon.  I don’t think we did, but I’m also aware that not everyone makes the same decisions…welcome to life.

I’m feeling a slight burst of energy so I think I’ll go vacuum.  It will most likely only last about 5 minutes…better do something productive while I can.  Besides, I’m planning to fry pork chops for dinner so I’m definitely going to need my rest. I make it a point not to fry food in my house.  That’s what restaurants are for.  Welcome to pregnancy.

Monday Again?

Well, hello there Monday. Where the hell did you come from? Last time I checked, it was Friday. I can’t wait for football season to start in a few short weeks. It gives us an excuse to sit on our butts all weekend and not leave the house. Plus, football season generally means cooler temps. Ahhhhh, imagine the possibilities.

So, my morning sickness has set in. Full force. I can’t believe that just 2 short weeks ago I was feeling pretty good and thinking I just might have a chance at getting through this pregnancy without the ickies. No such luck. In fact, I think I’m going to pick up some sea bands today. I’ve heard of several ladies that have had luck with them when nothing else works. Strangely enough, the bag of gummy worms I had for dinner last night actually made me feel pretty good. Note to self: buy more gummy worms.

I’m a member of an online community and there are a few things being said that make me want to punch the computer. For example: “A little bit of bleeding is totally normal! Don’t worry about it!” No, it’s not. Call your doctor. Or this gem; “As long as you’re not cramping or bleeding, everything is fine!” Mmmm, try again. Also not true and bad advice. And my personal favorite; “The morning (all day) sickness means the pregnancy is going well!” Again, not true. Not true at all.

With the twins I was still experiencing morning (all day) sickness and never had cramping or bleeding. And things were not fine. Things were not fine at all. This is why I don’t take much solace in the fact that I’m experiencing a whole multitude of pg symptoms at the moment.

We were able to share the news with my family yesterday. They were happy for us, I think everyone is cautious. Hopefully the excitement will set in as time moves on. The Hubs and I are still discussing if we’re going to find out the gender of this baby or not. I’ve always been the type to want to know, in fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve made the comment before that I find it downright stupid NOT to find out. For some reason though, there’s part of me that wants to wait until delivery with this baby. I think it’s because it just really doesn’t matter. We want a healthy baby that we get to bring home this time. Boy or girl…doesn’t matter, I’ll be thrilled either way. I also think there’s part of me that wonders if this isn’t our last baby, so I don’t want to have any regrets. We’re still discussing it, so no decisions yet. The one decision we have made is to keep our name choices to ourselves until the baby is born. It just seems fun.

Hubs has been home this week, and leaves town for a few days tomorrow. I guess, in a way, things will go back to normal. I will now attempt to peel myself out of bed and do something productive. And try to keep the pukies away.

Well, would you look at that!

I’ve been slightly MIA for a few days, mostly due to a little thing known as life. I’m sure you, too, can understand how it sometimes gets in the way. Nothing particularly earth shattering has happened, we’ve just been busy. Too busy. It’s all self-imposed. We can’t help ourselves. We traveled to the Promised Land on Saturday to visit Hubs’ grandparents. They truly don’t care about seeing us (that’s not entirely true) they just count on us to transport the wee one. While I think it’s truly important for A to know as much of her family as possible, the fact that they live 3 hours away makes it challenging. Oh well. It was a nice, successful trip and it’s always nice to feel welcome and loved. We spent last night at the circus. That was fun. No, really, it was! There’s nothing better than seeing your kid’s face light up when they experience something you’ve forgotten was extraordinary. I find myself often wishing I could view the world through the eyes of my child. What an amazing place this must be without the fear and worry that adults have to account for.  Things like gas prices, debt ceilings and 401K’s and 529’s.  But I digress…

The rest of our spare time has been taken up completing long overdue projects around our house. Something about the impending arrival of another baby has me chomping at the bit to get stuff done. I made some major changes to our utility room a few weeks ago and the finishing touches are finally being placed on our dining room that we built, ahem, a year ago. Insert embarrassment here. I think it must be some form of nesting that I’m experiencing but either way, love the new utility room and I just may have somewhere to host a houseful of people for Christmas this year!

Now, on to the title of my post. I had my first ultrasound this morning. It was scheduled for 9am. We got home around 11am. We live 15 minutes away. It appears the appointment that was made for me was never saved in the system so I was basically worked in this morning. I’m glad they didn’t try to reschedule me. There was NO WAY I was leaving that office today without an ultrasound; and I was prepared to tell them so. I already had the speech worked out in my head. My doctor knew I was nervous…probably because I couldn’t stop shaking. I like her. A lot. I’ve had several people tell me they think I should switch doctors and honestly, the thought has also occurred to me. Not because I necessarily feel like she did anything wrong, just to avoid the bad juju I now associate with the office. The truth is though, it’s nice that the nurses are more sensitive towards me and my doc confirmed today that she didn’t forget what happened, she knew exactly what she was walking into when she opened the door to the exam room. I appreciate that. I did catch her off guard when I started crying though…I’m apparently one of her “unemotional” patients so when I get emotional “things get weird”. I don’t need sunshine and puppy dogs from my doctor. I don’t expect her to hug me and cry with me…that’s what friends and family are for. She’s in no way cold, and she doesn’t have a poor bedside manner. And she’s smart. Confident. And I trust her. And she’s sensitive enough to my fears and needs to accommodate them. For example, even though not necessary, she’s bringing me back in 4 weeks for an additional sono just to make sure everything is still on track. She flat-out told me she’d do whatever I wanted meaning if I wanted a sono every week from now until 12 weeks or so, fine. After that the baby gets too big and she has to send me upstairs to the sono suite…cue out of pocket payments if there’s no medical need for the sono. So all in all, I’m satisfied with her care. I did tell the Hubs that I reserved the right to change my mind if I started feeling awkward about being in her office. He promptly asked how that was any different from anything else in life. Smart ass.

So the truth is,I’m not as relieved as I thought I would be. I mean, if I’m being TOTALLY honest, I didn’t expect there to be a heartbeat at all. Perhaps I’m still in shock. I’m thrilled that there’s a (just 1 this time!) 7 week 3 day babe growing inside of me with a healthy heart rate of 150 bpm. But, I’m still scared. I think I will be until I get past the point I was when I lost the twins. Feeling movement will be nice too. A little reminder that (hopefully) everything is ok. And I think I’ll be purchasing a doppler. That way I can check for the heartbeat at home anytime I want. From what I’ve read, some women are able to pick up a heartbeat as early as 9 weeks! That’s just crazy.

It also appears we’re telling my in-laws and sis-in-law (I love her, by the way. I haven’t talked much about her yet…I need to do that) tonight at dinner. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Part of me wants to wait until March and be like, oh, by the way, we had another baby. But that’s unrealistic…or so I’m told. I’m hoping they’ll be happy. I’m hoping they’ll be thrilled, actually. But I’m fearful that they will be cautious and guarded, just like I am. I want to think of something creative to do to tell them. If I don’t, I’ll feel like this baby is already getting the short end of the stick!

But anyways, here’s proof positive that the pee sticks didn’t lie! And PS: I think this one’s a boy 😉

WM Baby #4 Photo 1